


Six Stages Of Ackerbond

by sansasputa



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Canon Compliant, Enemies to Lovers, F/M, Lovers To Enemies, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-06
Updated: 2019-12-26
Packaged: 2020-11-24 19:48:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 22,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20913140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sansasputa/pseuds/sansasputa
Summary: Six moments of realizations in the Ackerman's lives.





	1. I'm not a good person

Everything happened in a matter of seconds.

She can brush her fingers on the day they cooked the bird that was hiding in the entrance. Her father came back holding it from the limp neck with a crooked smile that managed to get a little scream out of her. Mikasa helped her mother by cutting tomatoes for the salad, while she plucked the animal and her father muttered something about being the best at hunting.

She doesn’t remember the moment when she took the knife, but the image of that happy spring afternoon came back to her mind. Even if it’s just for a moment.

She doesn’t recall either, nor the sound, nor the feeling of the floor breaking under her feet, she didn’t feel the weight of the dagger between her fingers. None of the details that the men in uniform gave her when the situation was over are familiar at all. In fact, in the decisive moment she doesn’t even remember getting up. She moved without feeling the cold air that could have frozen her bones, without feeling herself, without seeing, being guided to her destiny only by the agonizing sound of what she knew was a child being suffocated.

Perhaps, when they had her tied up, she thought about her father’s body. Because yes: That’s the thing she can still see, feel and smell, as clearly as repeating the scene over and over again.

She will always remember the fall of the ax on the shoulder, the sound of the edge sinking into the flesh that is strangely similar to the squeak of a rusty door, the pain that they never imposed to Mikasa but to her mother, who writhed until her eyes turned white, a word trying to fall off her lips that she didn’t managed to finish:

“Run.”

After that, everything felt like being unconscious.

Once the adrenaline was over, she knew: _I’m dead._ The men who broke into her home—who didn’t even plan to attack her—had killed her, she was sure of that, it was all she knew, she was dead.

Without even surrendering to the sharp of their knives, only moving aside, letting life pass in front of her. What was once known as Mikasa Ackerman, now vanished with every gasp that was drawn in the cold air, _ if she saw her breath with attention,_ she thought, _maybe she could see her soul ascend and never return._

Still, she listened to the conversation, _the dead can hear, apparently,_ she assured herself, trying to understand somehow why was she still here and not with her parents, far away.

The men exchanged many words that she didn’t understand, because the only thing she could still hear was the flesh and blood of her mother jumping through the air, the squeak of that door: the sound of death, a constant echo in her head.

She managed to distinguish a couple of things. "Pervert, whore, fortune, features" There was silence for a moment and then, suddenly, _“Die, bastard!”_

The boy showed up out of nowhere.

Mikasa believed for a second that it’s the Death himself, that came to pick her up and apologize for the delay. She knew she was not wrong when she heard the rustling of the door, the song and the stench repeating once again, this time, she was sure that she’s not the only one who listens.

“Piece of shit!”

A boyish scream and once again, the sound of a stab.

The senses returned and with that, the adrenaline and the fear, it was a strange view, the boy, too small and too thin, was stabbing a man who bended him in size and strength.

She doesn’t remember saying anything, but just like the boy, she must have been whispering nonsense. She doesn’t remember the child untying her, nor comforting her. Everything happened so fast, just like the moment the third man appeared at the scene, confusion and fear drawn in every line of his face, it doesn’t take long for his fingers to bury around the little boy’s throat, and it’s not until Mikasa makes an effort squinting her eyes, that she sees the tears in the infant’s eyes, saliva running down the corners of his lips. And that’s when she realized, this isn’t the Death.

_“Fight”_

And with that word, the reality of the matter punched her.

She remembers that realization, later, it becomes all she is. _The world is cruel, impartial and unfair. And it can’t afford to help little girls._

She doesn’t remember holding the weapon, but she remembers knowing what was coming. She doesn’t remember pointing, but she remembers the hunting nights with her father. In which he would whisper very close and very clearly "Make sure it’s dead by shooting where you know it won’t run again" Maybe he was talking about the legs, the wings, the thighs, even the feet, but the first thing that came to her head and seems to come back the moment she has the knife in her hands “Chest”

She can’t pretend that she didn’t knew what was coming, neither before the officers, nor before the doctor—nor the distant neighbors who still meet to whisper things when they see her walking through the streets—She knew what she was doing when she took the jump, even though she doesn’t remember doing it.

She remembers knowing that cutting meat after hunting wasn’t as simple as her mother made it seem, and that for this one, more than strength—which she does not possessed—she was going to require determination, no place for hesitation, for what was left of her, but most importantly, for the screaming boy, for all the anger, not only with men, but also with the world that couldn’t afford to help her.

Mikasa doesn’t remember holding the spike of the weapon with such force that she kneads it with her hands, nor at her feet sinking into the floor and breaking it. What she does remembers, on the other hand, was waiting for the impact, waiting for the sensation of the dagger to be swallowed inside the man, fight, only to realize that her attack has not been enough to kill him and that she only dug her own grave next to the boy being held by the throat.

And yet, in the end: When the blade is nailed, there is no density nor struggle, everything ends in seconds, the child is surprised to see how the man spreads on the floor, the heel of the knife sunk in the back, the tip piercing his chest.

He doesn’t move again.

His eyes turn white.

And there, in the corner of the room, a pair of green eyes glint at her full of surprise, full of curiosity.

❀ 

The first time Levi kills a man; He is thirteen years old and he does it with his own hands.

The catalyst is Kenny, it’s always about Kenny. Levi couldn’t remember anything of the last three years that didn’t started with the raspy voice saying "There is something you have to learn..." and ending, or at the best, or at the worst moment of his life.

“There’s something you have to learn...” The day he drinks his first beer.

They have not exchanged a single word since the day Kenny found him in fetal position, the smell of death and decay covering the child from head to toe like a fragrance. And yet, with that wall of distrust still between them, Kenny took him to a bar.

Everything about Kenny surprises Levi, from the way he walks, ungainly, but scary with every step he takes, to the height that the boy never thought he would see in a man.

He holds himself up with his serious expression, his black hat covering his brow—which is always puckered.  
His face is long except for the nose, which is small and rises at the tip almost in a feminine way, sadly, the feature is drowned by his masculine square chin and the raincoat that covers his tall figure.

But the thing that called the boy’s attention the most, were his eyes... The eyes were familiar, there was something about them that gave him a strange sense of peace. Maybe that’s why one day, he tried something new.

“I want a beer.” Levi declared, face full of fake confidence.

The phrase was not addressed to Kenny, but to the bartender, who raised both almost non—existent eyebrows. The room was filled with whispers and curious faces.

“A beer for Kenny’s son, then.” The man smiled as he turned his back, leaving little laughs all over the place from the other customers.

Levi knew that Kenny’s eyes were fixed on him, but he refused to look back.

The fat, wrinkled fingers of the bartender met the little boy’s, between them, a big jar full of a foamy yellow liquid. _That,_ Levi assumed, _was a beer, a big one._

The scene of the child bringing the huge drink to his mouth was obviously funny. And it was even more after taking the first sip, as Levi spat on the ground with disgust, receiving a loud chorus of booming laughter from the public.

Levi didn’t have to turn to know that Kenny was watching him with threatening eyes.

The idea of seeing his gray and small orbs full of disappointment sent the boy to an automatic state.

The impulse was so awful that, without realizing it, he was taking the jug between his fingers once again and, without thinking about it twice, he drank it without lowering it, nor once to catch the air that escaped from his lungs while the urge to vomit drowned him.

When finished, silence made itself present again, and just like before, it didn’t last, the men, despite being visibly drunk, started congratulating both, the boy and "his father"

It took bravery, but he ended up turning back to meet Kenny’s face, and he had to held a gasp, when instead of the usual angry expression, he found a small smile lighting up his face, causing small wrinkles to form around his eyes. _Exactly as it used to happen with mom._

And for the first time in a while, Levi felt victorious. 

“There is something you have to learn...”

The day he first steals, it was a woman wearing a piggy bank hidden between the neckline, possibly heading to the only underground market.

“She’s a whore,” Kenny told him avoiding his gaze before explaining, pointing to the coins that glowed in the darkness of the alley. “The subway is not a place for pretty things unless you’re a whore, if that’s the case, you already have your little golden mine.”

“Just like mom?”

Kenny got still.

“Well...” He cleared his throat running his hand down to the back of his neck. “You get what I’m saying...”

When the duo came out of the shadows, Levi confirmed it by staring at the pair of fearful honey eyes.  
And when Kenny raised the knife and the woman trembled, Levi felt the urge to put his hand inside the white blouse and escape with the coins. But that’s just what he would do.

Kenny, on the other hand, raised the knife and started moving slowly towards the frightened woman.

It seemed she refused to let go of her protective shiny coins, by the way she pressed her bust more against her hand.

_That money is clearly valuable to her,_ Levi hesitated, _but isn’t it for everyone?_ the boy reasoned in his head. Trying to eliminate all the empathy discreetly.  
When Kenny started the threats, the woman stopped being the only one who was terrified, Levi also started to shake. _Why am I with this man?_

Kenny’s coarse voice emphasizes the tongue at the end of each sentence. He does not shout nor holds the woman down, but still, he transmits all the fear walking slowly towards her, the words sprouting in a way that seem almost like a routine.

Due to the strange accent, Levi loses the thread of all the things he says. But the clear way in which he pronounces "Skinning, fucking your body and gimme—all—the—fucking—coins" makes him feel scared.

All this is rectified at the moment the woman is cornered against the wall. While the thief draws the blade up and pricks her left cheek with the tip. Levi can see how the woman’s crotch is stained with urine and he has to retain the urge to imitate her. Kenny laughs.

It’s a matter of seconds before she falls on her knees, and delivers the small container.

“Thanks for your cooperation.” It’s Kenny’s response as they walked away in the uneasiness of darkness.

There was a moment of doubt, in which the ten-year-old boy looked back again, the woman still lying on the floor, with rough tears covering her face, as she corresponds his gaze.

Honey eyes remind him of his mother’s almond-shaped eyes. He does not turn backwards again. 

And although that day he eats more than rats and hard bread, when he passes the large pieces of meat through his throat with the strange liquor that Kenny gave him and his plate lies empty, his mind returns to the woman. And if she had a son? What if that son is hiding in her closet right now, hungry? And what if the stolen money was what she earned throughout the year, the only thing that her awful ‘owner’ allowed her to keep? What will happen to her? Will she force herself to work until she is sick? Or he will force her just to humiliate her?  
It was just a bad day.

But then, there was that awful day that haunted him for so many years.

“There is something you have to learn...”  
Kenny stated simply, but the thirteen year-old-boy got up like it was order.

Curiosity taking over him, he finds himself looking at the most serious expression he has ever seen on Kenny.

“Something happened?” he asked. The false sense of security vanishing as soon as it came.

Kenny took his time to answer, looking almost thoughtful.

“There is something you need to see.” He doesn’t say anything else, just starts walking, Levi knows that’s his sign to go after him.

In the past three years, he learned how to rob everyone, equally, even though he has a special inclination to soldiers of the surface.

He learned how to hide, what to do when he is being chased, by running up and down even where there’s nowhere to go. 

He hadn’t grown too much, or at least not as he would have liked, but this gave him the advantage of being a ghost when the moment required it, and he was growing fond of it. He liked clean movements, without mistakes, he liked to think what he was going to take, who he was going to take it from, and what he was going to do to have it.

He differed from Kenny in technique, he held the knife down when he aimed at the victims, he did not opt for the face but for the legs.

The walk is long, which is not characteristic of Kenny.

Levi doesn’t notice his hands sweating until he unconsciously cleans them in his sweatshirt. He doesn’t look for Kenny’s face, his gaze is dark and the hat covers any sign that can help the child understand even as he tries to places himself next to him.

They reach a somehow busy street, and that’s when Levi realized:

_I’ve been here before._

“I’ll knock before entering,” Kenny said, his tone strange, his face beginning to look increasingly bleak. "Someone is waiting for you."

I’ve been here, three years ago.

When he starts to think about it, he realizes that he feels too far away, almost as if he had been someone else, almost as if he hadn’t been that ten-year-old boy, scared, living in a closet, waiting for his mother.

The realization hits him. The almost painful smell of perfume, the full street, the pale door, the brothel.

“What are we doing here?” He asked, oddly enough, his voice sounds _hurt._

“Is that how you return home, shortie?” Kenny laughed. Such a sick, twisted joke even for him.

The door opened, and it revealed a small man, little hair, round nose like a balloon, the man showed them a smile and Levi realized that three teeth were missing.

Exactly like the man who discovered him hiding in the closet and offered his mother a good amount of money, while she cried inconsolably and screamed, three years ago. The man who exploited his mother until she became ill and her beautiful face was devoured by rats. The man... That Levi recognizes as a nightmare, right in front of him, real.

“What can I do for you, little one?” From his mouth springs the same jocular and annoying tone that Levi heard every day, a long time ago.

Staring him directly into the eyes makes everything around him disappear. There is no pale door, there are no people across the street, there is no brothel, there is no Kenny. There is no one that can help, neither the man, nor himself. It’s just the two of them. And if the man was the monster of his childhood, then Levi had to be a beast. Or at least that was what he told himself to grab some courage.

He held the man with force, dragging him out of the room while he twisted like a rat. “Who are you? I have money!” His wailing song only enraged him more.

Levi threw him into the street, punched his face as much as he wanted. One tooth, another tooth, another tooth. Until all of them were scattered around the floor. The fury accumulated in his stomach made it hurt, and each blow only served to feed it more until his hands were bathed in full red, he didn’t stopped, guided by the pure instinct to continue, thirsty to see his body shattered, thirsty to hear him scream until the voice was broken.

It seemed close, but when Levi realized, it was his voice the one that dominated the fight. “I’m going to skin every part of you, I’m going to cut you until you want to be dead and when you die, I’m going to...!” Among thousands of threats, no matter how ridiculous and exaggerated they were, they served their purpose, the man was a source of sweat, blood and urine.

He doesn’t know when he started to scratch and tear skin, he just did.

“An animal!” He heard a woman scream, probably a worker.

Levi continued to aim at his face, he squeezed so hard that more blood was drawn in the scene. The screams now didn’t just belong to both of them, people gathered to see what was happening. And yet, Levi was only capable of seeing the other man.

He squeezed, pulled, ripped, punched and punched, unable to perceive that each attack overflowed with more force, all the impotence retained for so many years finally coming afloat. He heard everything break, nose, jaw, lips and when he came back to reality, he was screaming at a red, distorted thing. The face of terror that the man once put on was now gone. Covered just by blood.

_Blood, blood, blood. I did this._

Vision blurry. He turned to search for the knife that laid on the floor, untouched. And then at his hands, still holding the now deformed face.

Levi spat and got up; people backed away. Fear, horror and interest, but there was no empathy, he searched among the thousands of faces, Kenny was gone.

He never heard his iconic phrase again, ever.


	2. First: We start off with the wrong foot

“If the problem is Armin, you shouldn't worry too much, he is a very polite child.” Eren pointed out, trying to find a way to motivate her. “He doesn't like things... You know, manly... I'm sure, if you knew him, you'd be happy to have a new friend.”

_You don't like manly things either. _ She thought.

Mikasa blinked. The empty gray eyes were fixed in the green ones. But once again, she said nothing.

“I'm serious. Do you know what he likes to play?” The silence that follows only embarrasses him, but he continues anyway. “Differentiate between insects. He knows the name of at least ten different types of butterflies... You'll love him if you give him a chance.”

Not a single word.

“And...” The child's despair began to speak for itself. “Ah! He has many books. You like to read, don't you? Now that you accompany dad to work, I suppose you started to like it. I actually don't, but Armin's books are different from his. They have drawings! And unlike dad's these are actually in our language.”

His joke was received with silence, again.  
Eren sighs, defeated. He had tried it all afternoon, all day, all week. She won't talk to him.

Since the family's update, everyone has been by her side, giving her all the support there is to give.

Carla stays close to her whenever she can, she speaks to her and several times, Mikasa speaks to her too. They knit together and the woman flatters her skills with the needle, asking her to teach her and Mikasa does it.  
Grisha breaks his rule of working alone, allowing himself to enjoy her company, even if she only holds a candle and finds no sense in his strange notes, Mikasa stays until the dream causes her eyelids to weigh and then leaves to bed, is a little detail, and she's not allowed to talk, but it means the world to her.

Eren's role, on the other hand. It's to include her into the real world. “Eren, go get the firewood, take Mikasa with you.” “Eren, how about introducing her to Armin?” “Eren, take her with you, show her the area.” His role is, in some way, to support her lost qualities. Being present as the only friend of her age—because he is. Make her socialize and unite her to the community that is absolutely scared of her: there's no doubt everyone fears her very much.

And all his attempts, of course, are going to be impossible if she's not even able to talk to him.

“We can... Knit, or play whatever you want. You're the boss, but please, let Armin join us, I swear you won't regret it.”

How was she supposed to be friends with that boy? from what she could tell, she wasn't even friends with Eren.

And yet, little did he know, everything she would have given to be, she would stay awake at night fantasizing about laughing and finding out about butterflies with him and the child she didn't even know.  
Imagining herself walking through the puddles and stone houses next to a friend would make her heart fill with inexplicable joy.

But she had missed that opportunity, she reminded herself, _you stopped being a girl that day and condemned him to stop being a boy too. _

“Why don't you talk to me?”

Mikasa makes a sound from the bottom of her throat, that, Eren learned to identify in recent days, that it meant discomfort.

“Well. Forget the question.” He looked back. “Maybe we should go home. It's getting late.”

_No. Not that. _

“What kind of books?” She asks in a frail voice.

The truth is that she wasn't interested in reading, not even a little. Neither before, nor after the accident, but she couldn't think of anything else to say and the hope that was drawn on the boy's face made the lie almost feel honest.

“Everything!” The boy assured her, absolutely satisfied with his own progress. “I really like fairy tales, but he has forbidden things too. You must know he is a boy with many facets.” He laughed.

“Well...” Mikasa didn't know anything about fairy tales, but the word “forbidden” aroused her curiosity a little.

“Well, it's decided,” He said while holding her hand. “Let's go.”

“I'm not sure I want to go.” She interrupted abruptly, pushing her hand away.

“But you said...”

“I said I was interested in _his books._“

“I see...” He said while lowering his head. Hiding his disappointed expression, Mikasa's eyes were darkened.

“But if he is your friend... Couldn't you just borrow one?”

Just like that, his face shined again.

“Of course, I can!” He exclaimed, with a smile that showed every hole in his teeth.

Her heart skipped a beat.

_I've been horrible with him,_ she thought, as she saw him run in the distance so fast that he slipped on a rock, _I've never been horrible with anyone._

Her parents had taught her well, that was how she became an educated, calm and serene girl, that nature died with them and perhaps a part of her did as well.

When Eren approached her again, his cheeks were on fire, his hair was running in every direction, and even his legs were soaked by sweat, but he still brought that small, ugly smile, and the promised heavy books in hand.

“I'm sorry, did I make you wait too long?” He asked, and when she shook her head, he relaxed once again. “Okay then...”

He dropped the two books at the green grass. One of them with the title “The blood of the kingdom” an old brown cover full of ink stains, along with another titled “The Knight and the Princess” adorned in a hard-front page, with huge golden and frosty letters.

“Which one is the wrong book?” She asked immediately, eager to read the brightest and most attractive one, so when Eren pointed the worn and ugly cover, she couldn't help sighing “I see.”

“Yeah, I thought the same.” He said as she picked the books, it even felt greasy.

“Why is it forbidden?” Mikasa asked, trying to raise her own interest a little.

“It's not... Necessarily forbidden, when I asked him, Armin said it was questioned by its way of telling the history of the walls in a... little different light, he told me it was “controversial” at the time so I guess it should be interesting.”

_Your friend is a liar, she thought, and what does controversial even mean?_

Her confusion must have been evident, Eren smiled at that. “I don't know what it means either.” He admitted, watching her face turn bright red.

“I know what it means...” She whispered, her face light up with embarrassment.

“Sure,” He laughed as she started to open the book. “We should start.”

Mikasa nodded many times.

The book was boring and the words made no sense to neither of them. Either because the words were too complicated, or, because the way in which Eren pronounced them was too distracting, relying very little on the S and pronouncing the R too much.

“_Ahh-pologetic_ and _sssorrowfull... _“

“Maybe we should try with the other one.” She decided.

Eren wanted to get mad at Mikasa's sudden interruption, but the way she let out a small laugh as she said it made him stop. He realized that it was the first time he heard her laugh.

Determined to hear it again, he slipped his hand to the pompous purple book and handed it to her.

“Maybe you should read this one.” The way Eren furrowed his brows in this strange child-adult manner made her feel something close to motivation, she nodded and began to read.

The book had drawings, she soon realized that in favor of Eren's friend, this time he didn't lie, there were pastel colors at the end of each page which were all adorned by a precious margin as golden as the letters.

Grabbing courage, she took a deep breath.

“Long time ago...” Mikasa's voice was too serious to belong to a little girl, but it wasn't like a boy's, even Eren realized that the voice could be identified as a woman's; a friend of his mother, a newly married neighbor, a sweet girl. It was leisurely and left smoothly, without any stumbling and with a straight and stable tone. He found himself unable to separate his attention from the girl's voice, which seemed as lost in the story as he was, but for different reasons. “...the princess had pale skin like paper, and her beauty cut as such, her colorful hair had turned black and for a long time, her sadness had been her only companion.”

Eren heard it all, without interrupting it, without losing any of the details.

“A knight, with blond, beautiful hair and dark blue eyes, that with his raised sword and white horse made his way through the frozen night.” She read, trying to hide her own interest at the description. “The man doesn't conform to resemble a young, lost prince, but rather, he is decided to take the epitome of a strong, powerful king...”

Her voice wasn't just soothing, it was similar to music.

“...Little did he know, the brave and charming knight, that the tower that kept his princess away was protected by a long and majestic dragon.” She stopped. “What is a dragon?”

Eren stared at her.  
“Ah. Armin told me it was something like a lizard.”

“Why would the knight fear a lizard?” She asked.

“It's not _literally_ a lizard. Imagine it's a lizard, but huge.” Eren is suddenly on his feet, gesturing with his hands and stretching as far as he can. “And of course. A dragon has wings.”

“Oh... So, he just flies around doing lizard stuff?” Her brows furrowed.

“He doesn't do lizard stuff. It only looks like a lizard.” The sunset reflections at the back gave Eren an aspect Mikasa had never seen before. “A dragon can spit smoke.”

“Like a titan?” Mikasa asked, now strangely expressive.

Eren stops, he doesn't have the heart to ruin her fantasy.

“Yes, Mikasa, like a titan.”

Mikasa smiles, this time in an honest and beautiful way.

With the image of the giant lizard that flies and has titanic powers in her head, she continued to delve into the story.

“...the dragon, so angry that it let smoke out of the nostrils, began to growl, annoyed with the brave knight and his burning sword, the man, forged by the sun's rays and with the moon's bravery at his feet, brandished the sword so hard that the ground shook. The beast watched him carefully as it took a breath so deep that the clouds themselves hid and then... It blew, blew and blew, until everything was engulfed in ashes.”

They both gasped.

“But...” She continued reading quickly, trying to advance through all the suspense and unnecessary descriptions. The knight was a hero and heroes couldn't die. She reassured herself.

“But what?” Eren asked, also scared.

“But...” She kept searching desperately, advancing the description of the rubble. Then, she found what she was looking for, and her eyes lit up. “But the knight's golden armor kept him intact…”

Both kids gasped in amazement.

The story ends in the same way that any fairy tale ends, the confrontation between the monster and the hero concludes with the dragon's head in a pit, the birds singing the knight's entrance into the tower and the pale, lost princess coming back to the life she once lost.

“The kiss was so gentle and the knight's lips so delicate, that the simple touch impregnated the princess, and where the honey flavor was planted, there, the color was reborn.” At that, both children's faces became a red wall.

It was a story for children, and Mikasa knew it, but enjoying it so much and losing it, talking without realizing that she couldn't stop made everything worthy, she almost felt like a little girl again.

In the stories where the golden knights saved the princesses, she found herself wishing to be there, even if it was just for a second.

“Did you like it?” He asked, smiling.

“It was dumb.” She lied. As if the blush that painted her cheeks and the way her face relaxed were not enough to expose her.

“But you liked it.” He insisted.

“Yes,” Admitting it made everything else feel easy “I really liked it.” Eren laughed. A _harmonious sound_.

“What was your favorite part?” He asked, sitting down again. “The blonde knight I suppose.”

She punched him playfully. The touch this time didn't feel calculated. It left an electric sensation in her fingers.

“I liked the kiss.”

Eren laughed at that and she felt dumb again.

“Don't laugh.”

“Sorry... Sorry.” He kept giggling, aware of the dead look on her face. “I liked that part too.”

“You did?”

“Yeah,” He went on. “At least the knight got a nice kiss, after defeating a lizard that's the least she can give him...”

She pushed him playfully again, and just like before, the boy laughed.

_Eren's face against the sun,_ she thought, his hair almost looks blond or was she only seeing what she wanted to see?

As they both stopped to look at each other, there was silence again, this time less forced. In fact, she found it a bit comfortable. They stayed like that for a while. Both kids thinking two different things.

“We should come back. It's getting late.” He offered.

When he got up. Mikasa realized that perhaps it had not been entirely her imagination, there, under the tree and with the orange sky turning dark, Eren Jaeger looked like a giant, not just a simple prince, _but rather a knight kissed by the sun who had the courage of the moon at his feet. He could be a king if he wanted to,_ she thought.

So maybe that's why, when she pulled his shirt and kissed him, she didn't think about it twice.

It lasted a second, and neither of them moved.

Eren's lips, unlike the story, didn't taste like honey, they tasted like toothpaste and were a bit scratchy.

When they separated, emerald eyes stared at her, confused.

✿ 

“All I did was getting my soldiers killed... Because of my incompetence.”

The afternoon in which Wall Maria fell began with Commander Shadis having a nervous breakdown in public.

The older woman had approached, with as much fear as hope covering her eyes. Levi had seen it so many times, with different ages, different traits, different motives, brothers, sisters, parents, and children, the only thing in common was the fear on their faces, and that made everyone look the same.

The soldiers must also look like this, identical, the same gesture and the same shame written on the face of each one who deciphered the message. “We haven't done anything useful.”

No one had questioned him before, but that day, with the old woman clinging with fingers and nails to his son's arm, that now was probably torn apart in a titan's stomach, the commander had been broken, and if what he expected was to get empathy from the citizens by doing it, then the answer must have been a real disappointment. Basically, they were booed until their withdrawal.

They kept going, until they reached an abandoned stable, they must have been just a couple of miles away from the quarters and still, Shadis stopped.

He would've fallen off the horse if he wouldn't have regained his balance at the last minute, without further notice he swayed until he was facing all the soldiers.

“That's all for today. Tonight, we stay here.” The voice did not come out in the same way as always, thunderous and powerful.

“Commander,” A soldier whose name Levi actually didn't remember began to speak. “It's not even noon and we're not that far...”

“You dare to question your commander?” He interrupted, the shout made the young girl shut her mouth almost immediately, and although he also didn't possess the same straight and intimidating pose as always, several soldiers backed. Shadis staggered as he started to walk away, drifting off the road.

It wasn't until everyone made sure that he had gone far enough and that he couldn't hear them that they began to argue.

“Well... I guess we should prepare for spending the night.”

“It's a joke, right? We haven't even had lunch; we still have to take care of the wounded. We have to-” The boy was interrupted by another man.

“So what? Are you going to attack the commander? Or are you going to move forward without him?” The boy was forced to lower his voice.

Levi was sure that everyone would've protested, if only they were in good conditions to do so, he wasn't surprised when several heads agreed with the commander.

“The injured can wait... If they are strong, they will live, if not, they are already dead.” Declared a soldier, while dismounting, his left eye was bandaged and his right hand was bright red.

“How can you say that?” Shouted a new recruit who held his small arm covered in bandages close to his body, his squad had been pretty lucky, they managed to reach beyond the dead end of the previous mission, even if it was only an inch before their return was announced. He was lucky to only have several broken limbs. “These are our friends.”

“And our partners would do the same if they were in our places.” Replied the same soldier. “In addition, most injured people stopped twisting long ago. The thing is, you were just so mounted on your ego and your beginner's luck to realize that.”

The boy blushed. “That's not true!” He was waiting for support, when he stared at his surroundings again and was received with all the faces that resembled corpses, he backed away. “How can you talk like that? We are the Survey Corps!”

“For God's sake, someone kill him already.”

Before the young man could shout something he regretted again, a horse began to advance in formation, once it was already ahead, in the position that was once Shadis', the rider dismounted.

“Hange Zoë, Mike Zacharias, join me. If this is the after-mission then we have to give the commander the reports, even if it's not through paper, we know the trajectory and the casualties. That should help... Focusing him,” Erwin Smith's deep voice forced everyone's attention back to the center. Even Levi's metallic eyes found themselves unable to separate from the tall man. “Meanwhile, the rest should abide by the order and break formation in this area, I assure you that it will not last long, when these misunderstandings ends, we'll be in the barracks before it gets dark, stay close.”

No one said anything, but it was done as ordered, the echo of the command resonated even through open field.

The three squad leaders dismounted their horses and followed him into the leafy area. Levi followed after them.

“Where are you going?” The voice of Nanaba called after him, a member of Mike Zacharias' squad and possibly the only person who had seen him walk away, Levi merely shrugged, and continued his path. Being guided only by the echo of Hange Zoe's strange comments and the heavy steps of their companions.

It had been a year since he joined the scouts, but Levi knew of all the rituals that the soldiers possessed at the end of each mission, the silence, the walk of shame, the unnecessary fights for all the contained anger they couldn't left beyond the walls, the mourning, and then silence again. Although, despite that, he had never seen the commander break like this before anyone.

_They are tired,_ Levi thought, wishing he could afford to be tired as well.

He had overcome all the adversities and strangeness of his strange “recruitment” but the pain sometimes still kicked in.  
He didn't have anyone, he was alone again, just like the day Kenny left him. It's not that the soldiers don't try to talk to him, it's that Levi doesn't need them and he can't afford to take things he doesn't need.

He had made a friend he didn't need, because he believed that boy could make him a better person, and he had lost him.  
He had taken that girl, lost and beaten, and he took care of her as he wished someone would’ve taken care of him, and he had failed her. Titans killed her. And it wasn't his fault, Levi learned, nor Erwin Smith's. It was just a titan, one of the millions that existed out there—and of course, that served to settle things for him: Levi couldn't take more than what he needed.

He learned, in the solitude of the barracks and with the air hitting his face against the wind through expeditions, that this was bigger than him and that if the task didn't forgive hopeful and innocent brats with families waiting for them at home, he was less than safe.

_Take advantage of every minute,_ Erwin Smith had told him, a sentence out of the few they exchanged since that day.

The man had fulfilled his promise, he had left Levi alone. He freed him from sharing companions in his bunk, no one used Farlan's bed since his death, he freed him from Shadis and his comments. He freed him from himself, because Erwin didn't approach ever again, not even to congratulate him for his new records.

The only thing Erwin couldn't give him was freedom from the soldiers' curious glances and the comments they would mutter each time he stepped in a room, but if he could, he would have done it long ago; Because Levi didn't need them and Erwin knew.

He followed the three soldiers in silence, to what seemed to be an abandoned area, with a tiny and small house that barely seemed to hold itself, Levi assumed that _this_ was where Shadis left when there was nothing to do in the barracks.

Levi sat close and listened, he didn't need to try to hide, he was small and the commander had his back against the window, and although the place is almost remote, he knew that Shadis' head must already be drilling itself enough to pay attention to his movements.

Hange Zoë talks about their squad, about the losses, that included the leader himself, they talk about the length covered, it is awkward to hear it from their mouth, they're shaky, something between rage and excitement. Mike does the same and he has to stop several times. When they both finish, Levi realized that several squad leaders that Levi remembers aren't present.

_ They are dead._ He remembered himself.

They talk about the path and the casualties, small casualties, large casualties. Levi doesn't understand and doesn't plan to do so, he has heard about everything, with his only conclusion staying the same, _they cannot eradicate all the titans on earth._

“Zoë, Zacharias, you are both dismissed.” Shadis babbled, Levi knows that this is also his signal to leave before they can spot him. “Smith, stay.”

So Levi stays.

When Hange leaves, they make visual contact with Levi and wave their hand.

“Hey you! I didn't see you when we arrived” There is positivism in their voice, Levi doesn't have to guess to know that the majority of it is fake. “I was scared that something would have happened to our best soldier.”

“You shouldn't be here.” Mike's voice interrupted, looking down at him like someone would look at a rat, _ ah, yes, he was there that day._

“What's up, Mike? Why are you so rude today?” Hange laughed.

“Yes. Mike. Why are you so rude today?” It's Levi's voice the one that makes the tall man start to walk back to the scouts, not without shooting a last, threatening glare.

“That wasn't very kind.” Hange smiled. Then they looked back at the shack. “Oh, you are overhearing, do you want me to keep you company?”

“Take advice from your friend and get the fuck out.”

For a second he thinks he actually hurt them. Yet Hange just shakes their head. Patient.

“Alright.” They say with a smile, trying not to show any kind of negative emotion, as they made their way to the camp.

They just want to get close, he knows, but he doesn't need it.

Levi shifts his attention back to the two men, who seem to be unaware of that small spectacle outside and are now having an arduous discussion, or at least, the commander is.

“What happens if I'm tired, then? What happens if I can't do it anymore? I'm exhausted, Erwin.” The man begins to raise his tone of voice, but it doesn't sound like a reprimand he would give to a soldier. “Do you think I like to come back and not being able to say anything to those who want to bury their loved ones? They want to go home too.”

_He sounds pathetic,_ Levi thinks, _the exact same way I must've sounded that day, shouting, kicking and cursing the same man._

“You don't need to tell them anything for them to bury their loved ones. And anything that comes out of your mouth won't give them a home.” The deep voice answered, calm. “I am not saying that there's something wrong when you don't know what to do, but you cannot simply discard your efforts as a commander, neither in front of your soldiers, nor in front of the crowd.”

Levi supposes Erwin wants to say something else, by the way he closed his mouth while he spoke, looking for a way to sort the words in his head. Levi would've given anything to hear him say them.

“So, what do you want me to do?” The man's temper continues to bore into the blonde's skull. “Do you want me to lie to you?”

_ No, he wants you to behave._

“I want you to command respect, both outside and inside the scouts” _ It's what everyone wants._ ”We can go far with that, we can have more missions than we do per year in a matter of months, improve—”

“And lose more people.”

“And save more time.” Erwin corrects.

Shadis seems to take his time to digest it. He takes heavy steps, and although he is on his back and Levi can't see him well, he knows, by the way he walks and leans on a table, that he is struggling to get it. For a second, he almost feels sorry for him.

“Respectable...” Shadis whispered to the wood, the air slowly getting colder in the room. “Do you know what they call me in the capital?”

Erwin doesn't respond, he doesn't even seem interested in the answer, so Shadis continues, walking another way, leaving Erwin in a clearer view for Levi to stare. “Erwin Smith's puppet ...”

Levi wants to laugh at the way the man rolls his eyes and holds a grimace until Shadis turns around to meet him.

“You want me to be "respectable" but don't favor me in the least when it comes to allowing me to hold this position...” The commander kept talking wearing a bitter smile in his face. “And if I didn't know you better, I would think that what you want is to discredit me of the legion's achievements while still putting the weight of the failures on me. Which would be very ingenious…”

The calmed expression didn't disappear from Erwin's face, but the blue eyes became as sharp as ice.

“Very ingenious indeed, but not very respectable.” He added the last bit with a touch of irony. “You know me, Keith. You know I can get my hands dirty if I wanted to, and this time, I don't want to, it's not my responsibility.”

Shadis seemed to find his response extremely comical “Is that why you brought that underground criminal with you?” He intervened and Levi nearly choked.

Although the question seems to take Erwin by surprise, the blonde actually _thinks_ about it a bit before answering.

“No. It was because we needed him.”

“Ah, yes. We needed him. And you risked the integrity of the legion as much as mine, all for a strong soldier. You should listen to them; "The Survey Corps, the perfect place of exile for dangerous criminals"” Levi tries his best not to think. “You talk about my reputation... And you don't know what that has done to yours—”

In a second, everything falls apart.

The ground trembles so much that Levi feels that the earth is about to split in half, and the particular strong vibration makes almost impossible for him to even hear his own breath, the arduous discussion stops.

Erwin leaves the place staggering, Shadis leaning on him, all the hatred and coldness that both faces held a minute ago now disappearing, transforming into fear.

Meanwhile. In the same way that Levi's nails clings onto the grass, the colossal titan holds the wall until it breaks.

Those days felt like a year.

For the long list of bodies he saw in the underground and all the infinite amount of traumatizing images surrounding corpses he was forced to live with —hell, he even held one as a child, once, a long time ago— Levi had never seen what a child's body looks like, until now, it held a restless expression on the small, frail face.

Levi doesn't believe in gods, but he knew that, in that heavy afternoon, The Death took all kinds of souls, of all sizes, of all ages, clean as well as dirty.

There's a particular image that stays with him, a boy a little tall, but still a child, who's shoulder blades were outside his back, reminding Levi of a pair of wings, from the waist down there was no meat. A wasted bite.

He is not proud to say that he lost sight of his squad, the crowds were too many and, in the air, there was as much ash as there was blood on his hands. So yes, he was not surprised to find out he had lost his squad.

The plan was simple, staying together. But the purpose had changed the further they entered the game. First it started with Erwin Smith giving an inspiring speech:

“Keeping the titans as far as necessary to evacuate” An impossible goal, but the man had used so many words with enough expressive force that—”This is the moment we were waiting for to avenge the dead by bringing the living home”— even the most frightened soldiers nodded, driven by adrenaline, not by brains.

With the only deserter being most likely, Keith Shadis, who retired with the purpose of transporting the injured; The objective of the mission changed again as they went further into hell and they were informed about the size of the threat, already divided into zones with the rests of squads there were left—following a plan that only goddesses know how long the mysterious blonde squad leader had been planning—now the goal was to bring as more civilians as they could safely, since most territory had already fallen.

The "perfect" plan began to change, when they were notified that a titan with a shell, “armor” was the word used, had disemboweled the only known exit for evacuation. And if both their exit and their entrance were covered, that meant that they were...

He was surprised to find Hange holding a young man from their squad, with such force that their hands turned red.

“Hange!”

“Levi...” They whispered, when they turned around, Levi noticed a big red spot on their cheek. “Where's your squad?”

“I have no fucking idea.” He muttered, getting closer to study the boy's face, it was the same screaming kid with a not so huge beginner’s luck. “Is he alive?”

“No.”

“I see...” Levi muttered, not really feeling sadness nor denoting anything in his voice, another corpse to the list.

“There's no one else left of my squad.” They admitted, smiling in a bitter way. “Seems it's my turn to either die or retreat.”

_Take advantage of every minute. _  
_Take advantage of every minute. _  
_Take advantage of every minute. _

“Damn, son of a bitch!” Levi screamed. Erwin Smith had told him, didn't he? "Someday the walls will fall, and when that happens, nothing will protect us." Those were his exact damn words. Well, now here he was, unprotected, shaking and gasping for air. _Damn, sick, son of a bitch._

“Fuck, fuck, fucking son of a bitch.” Levi continued cursing as a mantra to warm up.

_If I see that son of a bitch again, I'll make sure to kill him._ He told himself, without really meaning it.


	3. Second: There's something in the way you move

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still can't believe Aurora Aksnes wrote 'I went too far' based on Eremika and 'Runaway' based on Eruri. A true national hero.

The first time she saw it, she didn't recognize the movements of the titan.

She had attended every particular training in which Eren participated, she had seen him hit sacks, in such an annoying and helpless technique that his face turned red and he was unable to recover when the sack returned with the same force as his initial punch.

She had seen a large number of recruits kick his ass, Annie Leonhart leading the list.

He had fallen and fallen thousands of times.

“If I have to hear another bone of Jaeger break...” Recruits joked among themselves, and when they started, nothing could stop them, not until Mikasa charged each joke in hand-to-hand combat practices, breaking bone by bone.

On her side. It wasn't the first time they told her she had a gift. But she appreciated the compliment, especially when it came from the lips of Keith Shadis, who rarely showed any sign of approval on his face, always with his typical expression of discontent on until it came her turn to practice.

Mikasa's relationship with the other recruits... They were another story.  
She had caught a group staring several times, beginners, just like her, squeezed between bars just to watch her train.

Entering the dining room for the first time even felt like achieving what she never got to enjoy during her childhood, being a popular girl.

The first time Mikasa joined the group for lunch, she noticed how Sasha Blouse straightened her back and even managed to moderate her manners a bit while devouring a piece of bread.

Connie Springer always had something to say, from a soft “There she is” to the days when he tested his luck and grabbed her by the shoulders, and imitating Shadis's voice he greeted her with a “Good job, soldier. You are certainly phenomenal.”

That made her laugh.

Jean Kirsten, on the other hand, seemed to want to say something too, but by the time she turned to look back at him, he was already swallowing his words while he made his way through the backdoor.

“We have to talk.” Eren approached one cold night while she untied the bandages off her hands. It was late, she had been training.

“You shouldn't be here.” Mikasa replied.  
She had earned that special privilege from Shadis himself: she could have the field for herself whenever she felt like punching bags, even at night time, when everybody else was supposed to be asleep—Mikasa took the opportunity like it was the best gift, having her own time to get rid of stress every night from that day.

The next thing that follows is a very jumpy Eren.  
“I want you to punch me” He said, looking straight into her eyes.

She couldn't keep her typical serious face, no matter how hard she tried, an atypical laugh fell from her lips.

“What?”

“I...” Eren repeated, grabbing her hand and closing it into a fist. “Want you to punch me.”

Mikasa's happy expression disappeared.  
“I'm...” She hesitated as she separated her hand from his. “I will not do that.”

She walked away, Eren followed, insistent.

“Eren... What are you doing?”

Once again, he held the combat position.  
“You are not leaving this room until you punch me.”

“I will not do that. Please move.” Mikasa said severely, yet Eren doesn't give up. While she tries to get away, he gets back in her way. “Eren... Don't make me—”

“Yes. Hit me. That's what I want.” He replied. Still jumping.

“I was going to say “push you”. You're on my way.” There is no way she would have treated him like that in any other situation, every time Eren needed something, it was like a spell for Mikasa to appear in the place and ask him what was the thing he lacked and how could she get it.

But this time, the favor irritated her, his insistence only made it worse.  
Hadn't she done her best to protect him whenever he needed her? Didn't he know of how many recruits she had attacked for daring to speak ill of him? Didn't he saw how Mikasa was ready to jump into a fight with Annie Leonhart, one of the best in combat, just because of the way she left him on the floor?

“Let's go, Mikasa... Just a little punch.” He begged.

“Why do you want me to hit you for?” She asked, eyebrow raised. Not really interested in the answer, only in her own withdrawing. Although everything in his face was screaming determination.

“I want you to punch me, and when you do it, I will punch you back.”

Mikasa looked at him strangely.

“Do you want to punch me?” She asked him “Is that it?”

“I want to let go of fear. So, yes.”

Mikasa stumbled back. “Are you scared of me?” She asked. Hurt.

Tired of being in his alert pose he dropped his arms to his sides again, upset.

“Of course not. Damn it.” Eren placed his hands on his face, pressing them against his eyes. “I just...”

“What do you want?”

“I want to stop being weak!” He screamed, choking back a sob.

“Eren... You are not weak. You are the furthest thing I've ever seen from a weak person.” She mutters, trying to meet his tired eyes. Eren had said something similar to Armin one day, the discussion was pointless.

“You say that because you're my sister.” He cried.

It hurts a little bit, but she managed to keep it to herself.

“And who thinks you are weak?” Although she is the one asking, the image of the many faces that believed so came to her mind, _she could fight them all, that's okay. _

“Well... Jean”

Of course, she thinks. Of course, this is all about the little fight between the pride of two children.

“Well, he's stupid.” She can't think of anything else to say, she cringes at her own motherly tone.

“He likes you.”

The way he highlighted it made her blush.

“Does that bother you?” She choked in her words, but not because of surprise. _Of course Jean liked her,_ that would explain his strange behavior and the way he addressed her, the fact that he never finished his sentences when she was near, to the point where he would even avoid fighting with Eren in order to look like a calm and mature boy.

“Of course not. You don't think of him that way, he should get that idea into his head before he ends up crying because he got rejected in front of everyone.” Eren responded while returning to his fighting mode despite Mikasa's tired face staring back at him.

“Why?” The words came out without thinking. The truth is that she had never imagined being with Jean _in that way,_ in any way, actually.

“Don't tell me you like him too.” He exclaimed. “Have you seen his face? He looks like a horse.”

Mikasa rolled her eyes.  
“Why would it be so crazy?”

“The what?!”

“The idea of me dating him.”

“Everyone knows that he likes you because you're cute.” He said, like it was a fact.

It was? Every time she stared at the mirror after training, she felt unable to consider herself attractive, yes, her face was symmetrical, and she possessed unique features she had never seen in another person, but, pretty? With her body so muscular? Her breasts so repressed by the retainer? What about the hundreds of marks on her skin?

_But the other boys can't see that, she had to remember herself, they only see one girl with an attractive face,_ who turns out to be one of the best soldiers in training, everyone seemed to see the soldier, but as far as she knew she was still a small and overwhelmed person that needed to overcome all the insecurity that constantly stabbed her in the back, the insecurity whose name seemed to be Jaeger.

“Besides... You shouldn't worry,” Eren continued. As if it wasn't enough already to send her train-of-thought to run. “He knows you like me.”

He looks back at her with a smirk, as she forgets how to breathe.

Mikasa doesn't ask him to repeat it. She understands his obvious attempt at making her angry. And yet, the urge to give him his desired punch makes her stay still. She considers it, and Eren waits for it, in the end, she fails to fulfill his desire: Not because of her mind, but because of her body, that doesn't seem to move as much as she tries, it's a strange feeling.

She doesn't need to talk. Every word is written on her face.  
After a while, she sighs.

“Your position is wrong, if you don't have support on your legs it will be easy to get you knocked down.” Mikasa speaks softly, trying to hold back all the pain taking the best of her. “Crouch more— And you have your hands wrong...”

Eren nods as he takes every correction she gives him.

The next morning, he's sparring with Jean.

❀

“They say it was Erwin Smith,” The man told the crowd. “On one occasion I visited the church, a priest assured me that he was so embarrassed by the trajectory of his suicidal scouts under the command of Keith Shadis, the old commander, that he chose to speak with the devil itself.”

“Cut the bullshit, old man.” Some of the people were skeptical, others nodded, convinced, Everyone had gathered around the houses, under the lights of the lamps, hungry; and while they waited for something to eat they all ended up talking, united by their hatred for the king and the military police, but especially, united because of the tragedy of their destroyed houses on the other side of the wall.

“But what he says it's true,” A young woman, who carried a child in her arms and clung to him with her dirty nails, seemed absolutely convinced by every word. “Erwin Smith spoke with the devil and that's why the walls fell, that's why they don't tell us anything. He went down to hell and from there, he brought a raven, the man they have as Captain today, the strongest soldier they call him. There is no other explanation, they did it alongside the men of the capital, they are the ones who benefit the most from our misfortune.”

“Trash,” Someone muttered. “If the Survey Corps could simply contact the devil the Titans would be extinguished already. Why tear down walls?”

“Do you think they are interested in killing titans? No, of course not, they want glory and a comfortable bed waiting for them when they return.” The woman assured. “But you are like children, who are fooled by the masses and believe that recruiting makes a difference. Everyone gets eaten.”

“And yet, the new commander and his raven are quite alive.” The first man to speak continued.

“Exactly! As alive as the titans and perhaps even more alive than us.” She exclaimed, while the baby began to cry.

“You are sick, woman.” A robust man spoke.

“I don't know how demons think,” The superstitious woman continued, shaking her head. “But I will tell you something, I will not send my son to enlist not even if he's starving, I would rather see him die before he chooses between the police and those lunatics.”

“Then you are a selfish and cruel woman, surely you don't go because nobody is interested in having bones in the army.”

“And what would you do?” She asked irritated. “Join the sick who take away our food or the demons that caused our misfortune in the first place?”

“None of them!” Another man screamed. “I rather starve!”

“Then you will starve,” The robust man suddenly announced with his chest swelled with pride. “I will join the Survey Corps.”

“That's it then, the titans will dine better than us!”

[ ] 

He soon becomes addicted to seeing him do such simple things as walking around the base, suddenly crossing out things on his papers, running his hands over his face, scratching that masculine jaw, putting his hands around the table and fixing the bolo tie around his neck every time he enters an important meeting.

Erwin makes the imagination of the shorter man fly as high as the walls themselves, sometimes Levi surprises himself wandering about how he would look doing other things, what other skills would those long and thick fingers have in addition to writing and rewriting reports.

Levi soon finds himself having the _immoral_ fantasy of the image of Erwin's fingers around a polished cup of tea, that is the last blow before he realizes that he has to control himself, and that it's not characteristic of him to be in such state, he needed control.

Reality as always, had other plans.

“Where the hell...?” He muttered weakly as he rose from a hard surface.

“Ah, you are awake.” He was received by a low voice at the back of the room.

Levi swallowed; the image of a calmed Erwin Smith made every trace of sleep escape from his heavy eyelids.

“Where am I?” He couldn't help but be alarmed.

His tone startled the calm of the commander. “There is no reason to scream.”

“Where am—?”

“We just came back from the mission a couple hours ago,” he murmured in a soft tone, like someone asking a child to stop crying. “I don't know what you had in mind, you washed yourself quickly and somehow you ended up here, in my office.”

“In your...?” That's when he realized, the bookshelves, the long walls, the reflection of the moon tapping lightly through the large window that showed the training field. “How did I get here...?”

“Yes, Levi. You came here on your own. “The man assured him, Levi couldn't help but be ashamed, still, he forced the blood to drain from his face, cringing at his own breath and the fact that he was used to wash two—sometimes even three times—after the missions.

“Why...?”

“Hange asked me that same question,” _Damn, shitty four eyes._ “She was the one who insisted me to let you sleep, I hope you excuse me, but my original plan was to take you to your room, reminding you, of course, that you are still _the_ Captain and that after the missions you must write the reports...”

Levi's lips trembled. “I...” The reports, of course, the damn paperwork, he was the damn captain of the corps after all. So what? He had fallen asleep on his way to the office. His superior's office.

“But you also got up on your own, so I don't need to interrupt anything.” He said quietly, Levi heard a soft click, that's when he realized that the blond had something in his hands.

“The mission...” Levi started, but he couldn't add anything else.

“It ended later than what was planned, a return in the dark didn't seem so bad, the titans were slowly becoming inactive,” _I should know that, I was there, this is also my job._ Erwin seemed to be aware of what Levi was thinking, that, or Levi looked very miserable because he added “You have not been the only one who fell asleep. So, don't feel bad.”

“I don't feel bad.” Levi lied, _I just feel disgusted, my body itches._ “I need a shower.”

When he began to get up from the hard sofa, thundering all his numb joints, the blond approached with long steps, Levi did not look up until he was welcomed by a warm cup just a few centimeters from his face.

“I assumed you were thirsty.”

For the first time since they returned from the mission, Levi made eye contact with the pair of blue eyes, the darkness gave them a violent appearance, like the time they had first faced each other in the underground, his hair was perfectly neat, which was common, but with that distance between them, his figure looked much more muscular and huge.

And for the last drop of Levi's sanity, in front of him, he could admire the great hand holding the cup of tea, the long, strong fingers, tied tightly around the porcelain that Erwin offered at him with a friendly smirk painted on the lips.

Damn it was a very big hand.

“Thanks.” He managed to respond.

“You are welcome.”

It's just the beginning of his ridiculous obsession.


	4. Third: You dream about going home too

She had a strange dream that night.  
She dreamed about her house, for the first time in a long time, with its huge walls and small rooms. With the intact washbasin in which she helped Carla each night, next there was her room that was full of her weaving materials, where she stayed until it was dark and there was nowhere else to go, just like now.

There was no one else, as empty as she felt since joining the Survey Corps, with nothing ahead that was clear.

There, inside of the empty house, she wonders if she would remember this place with affection of having been alone, the answer is no. The place is smaller than her first house, very narrow and very close to the neighbors. Her first house had been planted in the middle of nowhere, just the comfortable silence surrounding everything, with a garden large enough to get lost in it, with tall trees that gave all kinds of fruit. Meanwhile, the Jaeger family had no garden.

Now, that she is confined with the loneliness of the house, even if it's only a dream—because the house was swept by titans and she knows it—that's when she realizes that it was about the people, they were the ones that managed to make the place feel bigger than it actually was.

With that idea still in mind, Mikasa woke up.  
The place was cold, maybe it was snowing here too. Sasha's snores don't allow her go back to sleep.

“What are you doing here?” A nine-year-old Eren received her in his room a long time ago, a rainy night, he didn't look like he had been sleeping, but he didn't look too energetic either.

“I can't sleep,” Mikasa announced holding the door, she didn't take more time hiding her true intentions, while pouting. “I want to sleep with you.”

Eren clearly wanted to object, he was not sleeping, but his room was his and only his, he had no interest in sharing it, still, just taking a look at the supplicant girl was enough for him to end up nodding, he sighed while looking at her throw her pillow and lay on the floor.

“You are not sleeping on the ground!”

Bingo, that was all she needed, without further insistence, she carried her pillow to the bed and left herself fall on top of it, leaving a clearly inviting space, Eren soon understood her intentions, and reluctant, he accepted to lay by her side, covering himself with the sheet from head to toe.

“Why can't you sleep?” The little girl asked as she turned around to meet him face-to-face. 

The boy did the same, but to the other side, visibly uncomfortable, leaving his back in front of her. “I thought you were here to sleep; I didn't accept to make a sleepover.”

Mikasa got closer, breaking all the personal space that the small bed allowed, “Do you also have nightmares?” The way he held his breath gave Mikasa the answer she needed.

“No,” The boy lied as badly as he sewed. “Don't be silly, boys don't have nightmares.”

Mikasa thought about that. “Dad had nightmares” It wasn't something she wanted to share with Eren, her father didn't share it with anyone, not even Grisha Jaeger, who always showed interest in talking about her family, despite keeping his distance and never forcing her dad to do so.

“What did he dream of?”

_Family,_ Mikasa knew it, but she didn't dare to comment, it was a secret between them: her father, her mother, perhaps even Grisha, but it was her father who agreed to tell him, she wasn't going to talk about a secret that wasn't hers. “About home, the garden we used to have.”

“I asked what were his dreams about, not yours.” The boy said it without delicacy, but after a while he turned to meet her face, when he noticed that Mikasa was not affected by the comment, he turned his back on her again.

“And what do you dream about?” With that question he just moved farther away. “Or should I ask about your father's dreams?”

“Don't be silly.”

_Okay, that was mean._ Maybe you don't want to talk after all.  
Mikasa turned to look at the ceiling. Letting the uncomfortable silence guide her thoughts.

“He dreams about fighting the titans someday.” He replied after hesitating a little. “But he always goes too high... He flies too high...”

Mikasa nodded, despite knowing he couldn't see her.

“So, he crashes with the sky,” He went on, with just the slow singing of a cicada behind, it just stopped raining. “And then he is falling.”

In the evenings, Eren always used to get rid of his baggy T-shirts and worn pants, in the nights, he wore a long nightgown that belonged to his mother, with that thing on, Mikasa could see the his spine rise and fall, inflating and deflating with each time the child inhaled and exhaled, the pace accelerated as he plunged into the story of his dream.

“And then, he is on the ground,” That scared her. “He is not dead though.”

His pace becomes heavy.  
“But now the titans can catch him,” Eren choked, she realized then he was sobbing. “And they do.”

He couldn't do it anymore, he was crying, desperately clenching his fists against his eyes very strongly, unable to stop the tears that came out one by one as he couldn't say anything to make himself look stronger. _He wanted to be brave,_ she knew that.

She didn't know what to do, so she just hugged him, and oddly enough, Eren turned around to receive her, now crying uncontrollably while shaking, Mikasa held him tight, as if breaking the embrace would make him fall into the mouth of a titan.

_Not while I'm alive, not while I'm with him._  
Why did she forget then, that she also had nightmares?

Eren kept crying in her arms until he stopped moving, the rhythm of his breath had resumed and also his heart's, there, she could feel it clearly, burying right in front of hers. After a while, he started to snore softly.

Mikasa forgot about everyone at that time, without titans, without enemies, without nightmares, without a garden. Without Levi Ackerman watching the mutilated bodies of Isobel Magnolia and Furlan Church a thousand of miles away, for a second, all that was going on in the world was only about Eren, and that was all it took for her to slide and surrender to Morpheus as well.

[ ]

She finds Eren in the field, it's not like he's doing something, he's asleep in a chair, leaning on his hand.

“Aren't you tired?” She called, startling him enough to wake him up.

He tried to recover his calm posture. “No... I was just here... Training.”

Mikasa squeezed her eyes. 

“Why don't you go to bed?”

“I don't really want to...” He scratches the back of his neck, Mikasa's eyes travel to his abdomen where she can see the beginning of his muscles. “And you?”

“Sasha's snoring can bring down the walls” Short silence settled between them, there's something else there, unsaid, and they both seem to notice it.

“I dreamed about home.” She admitted after the long pause.

Eren smiled. “Me too.”

❀

Levi was always the first to withdraw from meetings. He left in silence, Erwin didn’t demand any greetings, much less the other soldiers, they already knew him, taciturn and stable, the man who never cried after the expeditions, the man who only crossed the barracks without saying a word and took a long shower, until he left with the red body after scrubbing way too hard, ready to train alone until he returned to his lonely room by the end of the day.

He didn’t realize, _how did_ he start to break his routine and allow himself long walks around the field, or _when did_ he start to check squad by squad, counting empty spaces, or _when_ did he began to visit the dining room through the hours it was full, receiving greetings _and, sometimes, just sometimes_ returning them.

He didn’t feel like himself, being recognized by people who respected him, people whose names he didn’t know, new faces, children who waited for him and said goodbye before each expedition with bright eyes. It wasn't how things worked with him, with admiration and in a clean way, and for some reason, sometimes he surprised himself enjoying it.

A smile escaped from him lips when Hange made fun of his routines and he attacked her with the same light tone, when the soldiers surprised him by buying cleaning supplies without a special occasion, when he could make Mike remove his typical frown, with the same victory the other man must feel when he managed to make Levi laugh back. That haunted him.

The feeling became worst one night, he had left his room and was wandering the halls, he wasn't thinking about anything, he just felt strangely far away, unable to fall asleep for something he couldn't remember, he wasn't the type of soldier who could sleep without running out of energies before, so he made his way to the training field.

A benefit of being a captain was that explanations were no longer necessary, he could move at his own will without having to assure the soldiers that he was not trying to steal anything nor seek for fights, now he could do whatever he wanted, even if It was too late or too early. No chain hung around his neck, despite the fact that perhaps there was never one.

The dream closed his eyelids a little, but he was not tired enough to sleep, not yet, he wanted to make sure he was before he went to bed again, he did not dare to risk overthinking, it was a fatal movement. _If I think too long about how I became me, I'm just going to feel a stranger. _

He kicked a punching bag a few times, each attack getting stronger and at the same time less excessive, invoking exhaustion to take his body as a guest, as if the bag was responsible for his lack of sleep, of his messy head.

“You're going to hurt yourself.” The commander's thick voice echoed through the night. Even the crickets seemed to get quiet.

Since the fall of the wall, he was rarely ever seen in anything other than work, he had lost the habit of accompanying the soldiers between free hours, and he did not bother to go out to train when everyone else did, he was still the most present figure of the corps, but little by little: what was once a friendly relationship with the soldiers vanished in a spooky way.

“Lost?” Levi asked, picking up his blows.

“You caught me.” He laughed, being objective, he did have an odd look on his face. He did in fact, seemed lost. “Ten years stuck in this place and I still can't find the way out.”

Levi raised his eyebrows. “Ah, I see you're very funny today.” Erwin smiled.

“Can't help it, it's been an oddly positive week.” He placed himself closer, right next to him, Levi pretended not to notice.

He had a strange shadow that was not normal in the pair of blue eyes, his characteristic fierce look now looked strange and distant.

“You don't seem happy for such a positive week.” He made the observation quickly, it was enough to make the man's smile disappear, _now, that's something strangely weird._

“And how have you been?” Erwin quickly changed the subject.

“Are you trying to talk to me now?”

“I’ve always liked talking to you and I do it whenever I can afford it.”

Levi frowned, “What's that supposed to mean?” He asked.

“It means every time you let your guard down I try it.”

“I never have my guard down.”

“Well, you're talking to me, aren't you?”

Levi’s throat suddenly felt dry, as his punches and kicks also began to lack strength.

“You really should rest.” Erwin said, suddenly grabbing Levi's fist before it could fall back into the bag. Levi was forced to meet the other man's face, his eyes seemed to have regained the strange authoritarian color.

He also suddenly felt the need to do as he said.

_Way too close. Way too sudden._

He thought once again about what he said about having him off guard.

“Harsh words don't scare me, commander. As you may have noticed the first time we met.” He remembers that day, but he does not necessarily think of that one, but rather the other, with the sound of the rain singing and rumbling in his ears and the ghosts of the titans dancing around them, laughing.

“All I said was that it’s better for you to withdraw, to avoid breaking your hand, or well, the bag first,” he replied by letting go of the Levi's hand—which was tiny under his, very small—and being successful at making Levi feel more embarrassed than before.

He backed away, without thinking too much, slowly retiring. He turned around only when he was just a couple of steps from inside.

“At least I'm proud to have discovered your training time, commander.”

“Goodnight, Levi.”

He returned to his room and dropped down, falling asleep immediately.

What started as a casual interaction happened the next day, and then the next.

“You look sad.” Levi noticed.

“I am not...” The commander replied, approaching with heavy steps, Levi was disappointed not to have taken him off guard.

“So what? Do you have a hard time shitting?”

“This is my face.”

“Sure, your handsome and depressing face that makes me want to kill myself.” He mocked. “When I met you, you never removed a cynical smile from it.”

Erwin just laughed. 

“I was fascinated by you. It was different...” He smiled. “If I walked through the halls with that same expression, I think even my own soldiers would consider my madness.”

The raven ignored everything and stopped at what interested him.

“Was?”

“Pardon?”

“Are you no longer fascinated by me?”

Erwin turned around after what seemed like an eternal silence, suddenly, his unreadable expression bore in Levi's face.

“I am always fascinated by you. I guess it was a matter of getting used to having you around.”

Levi did not answer.

It ended up becoming a two-week habit, they never talked too much, it was mostly about Erwin asking questions and Levi answering them as he trained with way too much effort.

And yet, something about that made Levi feel anxious in the mornings and afternoons, it didn't disappear until the night came and he slid away from his sheets again, waiting for the reunion.

He just couldn't put his finger on why, sometimes, when he returned from their conversations, he didn't fall asleep immediately, instead, he started to overthink again, this time, about something different than dead men, this time, about him and what the hell was he thinking playing friendship with Erwin Smith?

“Why can't you sleep?” He asked Levi one day, making him slip instead of punching the training bag.

“What makes you think I can't sleep?”

It was a very stupid question; Erwin tilted his head slightly. “Are you serious?”

_Fair,_ he thought.

“Okay, why can't _you_ sleep?” Levi asked, quickly composing himself.

Erwin looked somewhere else, _caught you. _

“Too much work,” He explained after a long moment of crickets and cicadas. “It's exhausting, but it makes me want to make up for the lost time as much as I can, so instead of resting, I train and get distracted at night.”

Liar, Levi knew, he was good, too much, actually, but Levi wasn't stupid, that's why he had intentions of playing that game.

“I can't sleep because I'm overthinking.” He admitted, if Levi had learned something, since his infamous accident, it was that he couldn't lie to Erwin, none of his attempts would be enough to give something as convincing as the lie that Erwin just invented, if he wanted to make him feel truly guilty, the only option he had was to be honest. “I try not to, but by default I think a lot.”

“What makes you think?” Erwin asked after clearing his throat, with a tone much lower than usual, now looking everywhere but Levi.

_Bingo, he had succeeded._ “Death, failure, that at some point I will have my own squad in charge and I will have to take care of them, Isabel, Furlan.” At the mention of those names Erwin looked down, maybe he was pushing it too far, but he liked the feeling of knowing Erwin was feeling guilty, for the _probably_ first time, caught in his own lie, and that everything Levi had given him in return was the truth. “If I am the right person for the range you gave me and if I am strong enough...”

“You are.” He finally gave up. “You are strong, Levi, you know that.”

“But am I enough?” Levi looked down, secretly enjoying every moment.

Erwin sighed, defeated.

“As I see you enjoy torturing me with my own lie.” He spoke quietly, Levi wanted to laugh at being caught as well, but it had its effect, Erwin was embarrassed. “I must admit that my recently insomnia is also caused by having a lot of things on my mind.”

Levi stared back at him.  
Perhaps that was why he had been so intrigued in returning every time, the man's secrets intrigued him too much, they aroused an improper curiosity inside of him.

Things had been like that since that battle in the underground, which began with him looking for the man that he was supposed to kill for getting his nose in the wrong place and ended up with Levi finding what was perhaps the opportunity he was looking for all his life, redemption, being part of something that was more than just survival—and maybe, just maybe, a friend— now he saw it clearly, when he heard his conversations with Shadis, the anxiety and calmness of perceiving his voice that day when the walls fell as he had promised a year ago.

This man intrigued him, in such a strange way that he did not feel like himself, but he still liked and crawled for it.

“What things?”

“These soldiers.” This time, his answer sounded honest, but at the same time, it kind of disappointed Levi.

“And?” He raised his thin eyebrows. Erwin inhaled visibly.

“Outside.”

“And?”

“If the truth of what is out there will be enough.” His breath was marked in the cold air.

In the darkness of the underground, Levi never saw the sky in its entirety, there was always the shadow of the bars to swallow the stars, and paint black on the perfect blue, maybe that's how Erwin always saw things when he was a kid, unless he still sees them like that.

“What if it's not?”

“I don't have an answer for that, Levi. That's why I avoid thinking about it.”

They stay quiet for a while.

“Can I tell you something?” Levi asked, too weird, too strange, that simple question coming out of him, maybe it is the end of the world after all.

Erwin doesn't respond.

“I don't know what a home feels like,” Once he starts talking, he can't stop. “But this is not it. And neither was the underground. Not only because they are crap places, but because they were, as they told me, the only places there were for me. It doesn't matter if —what you think— well, what you say is outside is not for us, maybe we just deserve the truth.” Suddenly, he stops, in front of him, the indecipherable man blinks.

The hug is weird, and honestly it scares Levi too much, Erwin is too big in everything, he doubles him in size and weight and that makes him feel like a small child, it's uncomfortable, especially because of the way Erwin seems to try, and succeeds, in picking Levi up, for a minute Levi's feet cannot touch the ground, he feels nothing but Erwin and that makes him feel desperate—filling him with euphoria at the same time. He can feel the blonde's hand on his back.

“Thank you.” His voice is so soft it almost hurts Levi, and he suddenly has to fight the urge not to tremble as he melts into his arms, which sounds like something he would've never thought.

“You're welcome.” It's all he managed to reply.

“No, don't do that, I lied to you.” The man trembled without letting Levi get off. “I dreamt about my father.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy birthday my fave comfort character.


	5. Fourth: I want you to want me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> horny people have no rights. horny people are not protected under the constitution. if you are horny i WILL find you and you will be sorry buster. unfollow me right fucking now if you are horny, have ever been horny, or ever will be horny.

“Would you take it from behind?” Marco asked, his hands quickly covered his mouth, stunned at his own question.

“Meh.” Reiner easily shrugged.

“Of course not, God. Don't be stupid, Marco.” Jean answered, as red as his friend.

“Jean,” Eren called in his typical mocking tone, so that the whole room guessed what he was going to say. “The way you get so defensive about it, is enough for us to understand that you would.”

“And what do you know, Jaeger?!”

“Damn. You two really are something else. Why don't you deal with that in private?” The bald head of Connie Springer made its way to the spotlight.

“Shut up, Connie.”

“Yeah, shut up,” Jean agreed, quickly changing his tone. “Can't you see Eren is trying to get rid of all his sexual frustration with this talk, just look at how interested he is.”

“Does sleeping with your mother gives you the right to be a teacher?” Eren bumped his head against Jean's.

“Don't you dare talk shit about my mother, Jaeger.” Jean hissed back at him, obviously sensitive about the subject.

“Sure. You must have enjoyed it too much.” Eren continued, in the corner, Connie contained his laughter.

“I don't know why I try to discuss this with you” Jean snapped. “Just by looking at your face, I know you're still a virgin.”

The girls backed away from the door.

“Boys are so gross.” Sasha said.

Krista hushed at her. “They are talking again. Please stay quiet.”

They all crammed against the door one more time. Mikasa was in the lead, with the best view, even if it was a simple hole in the knob, she distinguished the nervous Eren in the center and caught a fragment of an Armin covered with blankets, watching them, with an ashamed-curious expression and his mouth half-open.

Most of the girls were there, Krista came up with the idea when she saw the restless Mikasa spinning in her bunk, Ymir had agreed with the excuse of protecting Krista from dirty comments, and as they went down the stairs, they found a scared Sasha returning from the kitchen with her cheeks full of bread. She doesn't remember when Annie joined, she just ended up there without getting too close, arms crossed against the wall, a disturbing presence, that strangely made them all feel protected from interruptions.

“Well... That's false.” Eren said in a frail voice.

“Uh, is it?” Jean mocked. “Does your imaginary girlfriend help you with that too?”

“Your insults are so childish, Jean.” Marco repressed him.

“No. It's fine. Let him talk.” Eren cleared his throat, setting a very-fake deeper tone. “He doesn't know what he is talking about, but I do, and that's all I need.”

A couple of them gasped. “Don't tell me you've really done it, Jaeger.” Reiner asked and Eren laughed, satisfied at everyone's curiosity.

“Well, of course I've done it. You haven't?” Eren lied proudly, both Mikasa and Armin rolled their eyes. “I guess Jean was too deep in his head to ask me directly.”

The mentioned turned scarlet. “Bullshit, I don't buy it,” he barked. “You didn't even know how to talk to Krista the first time you saw her and here you are now, pretending to be a whole teacher.”

Outside, Ymir covered Krista's ears with a curse.

“I don't pretend to be a teacher, but at least I know what it's like, unlike you, I suppose,” Many of them were shocked at his challenging tone. “You probably don't even know what a girl's body looks like, putting your mother aside, of course.”

Jean was prepared to start a fight, but Bertholdt interrupted. “C'mon guys. The only way to know if he's lying is to ask for details.” The way Reiner smiled at that after whispering “Pervert” made the tall boy's cheek flush.

“I don't owe you explanations.” Eren swaggered like a little boy. “It's not an anecdote to tell _inexperienced children,_ as Jean just called me.”

“No, of course. And you must protect the integrity of your imaginary girl, I suppose.” From the holes of the doorknob she could see how Jean gave him a cold look, gritting his teeth. Eren tried to not be ashamed.

After looking a little thoughtful, he decided. “Well, if that's what the perverts want,” He stretched and cleared his throat. “It was during the first month of my enlistment.” He was immediately bombarded with thousands of questions.

“So young?”

“Did she have boobs?”

“How did you know where to put it?” Jean asked, Eren smiled.

“If you let me finish...” He said carefully, Mikasa recognized, by the way he spoke, that the pauses were due to his careful goal of feeding the anecdote with credibility. When everyone stayed quiet again and Eren held a clearer picture of his exaggeratedly fabricated lie, he continued:

“We were together that day, when I was getting ready to enlist,” Another heavy pause. “Long story short, she started crying, I told her to stop, so she did.” Another pause, “On my last night at the orphanage, she came to my room, looking for me.”

“Did she have a lot of hair?” Reiner asked, everyone looked back at him, even Bertholdt seemed confused.

“No.” Eren stated, trying to hide the fact he was as confused as the rest. “And well... I couldn't tell her no when she offered it to me.”

Jean seemed skeptic at that, “She offered it? to you?” He asked with a raised eyebrow.

“She basically offered it to me, Jean.” Eren corrected himself quickly. “You should have seen her, she led me to her room, she was already naked, nothing else needed to be said, she jumped at me.”

Armin contained an expression of disgust and so did Annie. Along with Mikasa and Eren himself, those were the only people who noticed that the whole thing was lie, the others, rather than doubting him were more interested in the end.

“And what happened?” It was Marco who asked the question everyone had.

“How did you know where to put it?” Jean asked again, unable to digest the simple image of Eren having sex. “You were a child.”

“I just knew.” The way he lied was awful, but the guys whistled. “I _was_ a chiId, but I went farther than you and all your efforts as a soldier.”

Once again, Marco interrupted the angry Jean that was about to scream something. “What happened to her?”

Eren wasn't prepared to answer that, so Armin tried to jump to his rescue. “E-she... She was very close to Eren so...” the boy was shaking, his performance made Eren seem like the perfect liar.

“She followed you, right?” Reiner interrupted; head slightly tilted.

“What now?” Jean asked, as confused as Armin and Eren.

“She followed you.” He repeated it, as if he had deciphered the secret of life. “She followed you.”

“You can't be implying that...” Armin seemed to be getting more scared with every gesture Reiner formed.

_That's when it hit her._

“Mikasa! It's Mikasa isn't it?”

“No fucking way!” Jean screamed.

Her eyes swung open as she held her breath, Sasha placed a hand on her shoulder and Krista was so alarmed that Ymir had to cover her mouth, Annie frowned.

“That's bullshit!” Jean kept shouting, looking at Eren. “Come on, the lie has already gotten out of your hands, tell the truth.”

Eren remained silent. As Mikasa began to feel dizzy and took a step back, the girls got closer.

“Eren...” Called a stunned Armin.

He didn't have words. “Well...” Eren bit his lips, looking from Jean to Armin, face full of guilt. “I hope she forgives me for telling you this, but yes... It was Mikasa.”

He held his gaze firmly, without backing from his lie, watching everyone's explosive reactions, from Jean, who seemed to forget how to breath, to Armin, who rolled his eyes until they almost got stuck in his skull, but it was Sasha, who let out a scream, the one that made the boys forget their conversation and direct their attention towards the door.

Immediately, the girls ran back to their barracks.

“I can't wait to see how that will end.” Annie murmured very close.

“What thing?” Mikasa asked, but the false security did not turn out so convincing, perhaps being a bad liar was something the three kids shared by default. Annie raised both eyebrows before entering her shared room, losing sight of her.

“Mikasa!” Called Sasha, grabbing her by the shoulders. “Is it true?!”

“What thing?” She asked, still trying her best not to look nervous.

“Are you playing stupid?” Ymir scoffed. “Did you fuck your brother?”

Krista gasped at that. Mikasa wanted the ground to open and swallow her, she didn't know what to say, Eren's lie made her blush and at the same time it made her furious, but she couldn't understand why, _“She was basically offering it to me”_ He was a stupid, ignorant and embarrassing boy, and still, there was something about the whole thing that made her feel euphoric.

She wanted him to want her, she could see it now, but not in that way, and not in front of everyone. Less when it was a lie, less when he asked her nothing, she hated that he has done it as she hates herself for feeling hopeful.

“Whatever happens between Eren and me is none of your business.” She answered, climbing on the bunk.

“Uhm...” Krista hesitated without taking her eyes off the floor, playing with her hair. “But it wasn't their business either...”

Ymir laughed.

[ ]

The next morning is a nightmare.  
He knows that she can be imagining feeling all the eyes on her when she enters the dining room, but what is definitely there are Ymir's whispers, Armin's concerned look and the _pale,_ pale expression on Jean's tormented face.

She made her way to Armin's table, but before she could sit up a voice interrupted her, “Can we talk?” Eren called from behind.

“Sure.” She answered, refusing to look at him.

“Not here.”

She turned back to meet his tired face, there were dark circles forming from below his beautiful eyes. Despite feeling the weight of thousands of eyes on her, she nodded as she left Eren guide her until they were behind the stables.

“Why here?”

He rubbed his hands strangely. “I didn't want them to think anything weird, hearing our conversation.”

“And you didn't think that bringing me here would only make things worse?” She reasoned; he tilted his head.

“Well... They...”

“You didn't think about that.”

“No, I didn't.” He looked down, Mikasa wanted to smile despite herself.

“What's wrong, then?” She asked, waiting for the answer she already had.

Eren doesn't take time lengthening things, he had that habit since they met, he was always objective with her, maybe because she always knew what was bothering him before he even told her.

“I know you heard the conversation last night.”

“Eren.”

“I wanted to apologize.” He confessed. “What I said was wrong, it was stupid and childish of me, you're not a trophy Mikasa, and I don't want you to think about me that way.”

“I won't.” She assured him in her comforting soothing tone.

“Do not infantilize—It's not—” He looked truly regretful, unable to put words together, that softened Mikasa's gaze. “I have to apologize and tell the truth to them. They need to know. It was very stupid of me, when we return, I'll tell them...”

She stopped him. “It's not necessary.”

“No, it is. I can't let that lie go on any farther.” He stood up firmly, grabbing her hands, from that view, Eren looked quite tall.

Strange silence... He didn't know what she was thinking, the truth was that her mind has been in constant noise since she came out of that door with him, he was even wearing a kind of protective gaze. She liked that.

“Or I could help you.” Mikasa didn't know how she came to that conclusion, she just wanted to feel something, know something, find out what was the thing she wanted.

His glare turned toxic as Mikasa took a step forward.

“Only if you want to.” She added.

He seemed to be taken aback. Shyness in her was not the most common thing when it came to him, not anymore, she felt strange and incorrect, so similar to that day in her childhood I which she kissed him, but this time, she seems to be convinced, even if she trembles a little bit and moves forward awkwardly.

“What are you talking about? You can't be saying that...” He whispers as if the fire in her eyes doesn't answer the question for itself. “Mikasa...”

She reached out a hand through the fabric, not knowing exactly what she was doing.

Eren, still looking at her, relaxed under her touch, allowing himself to feel the curiosity that formed in his stomach without blaming himself for it, an incessant hunger.

When she pulled his pants down it's awkward for both and she doesn't know what to do. It's strange and the cold of being outdoors does not compensate for anything, they're almost in the dark and the place smells. But Eren doesn't seem to look back as she does the only thing she can do in that situation, improvise.

_Just do something, just do something._

She doesn't take off her own clothes, she just slides her slender fingers through Eren's underwear, as she pulls the thing she's looking for, taking Eren's cock out of his underwear, leaving it hanging there.

_Just do something, just do something._

She truly doesn't know how to proceed, she watches as Eren get chills because of the damp air, feels the green eyes bore into her face, she truly doesn't know what to do.

_Just do something, just do something._

In an outburst she reaches out again, ignoring the flaccid, long thing, sending her hand lower and lower instead, and then, _just do something, just do something,_ just randomly grabbing it.— _them, and not just grabbing, scratching them, actually_—with more strength than intended, Eren screams.

Not the reaction she was waiting for, at least not in that way, Mikasa quickly let's go, panicking.

“God, I'm sorry! I'm so sorry, I...!” He seemed to be holding back tears.

Eren bit his tongue, trying to control the pain in his voice. “Just... Just forget it!” He yelled as he turned his back on her and stumbled.

Mikasa went after him quickly “Do not! Oh my God... I hurt you, don't...”

“Shut up! Just, shut up...”

“No...” She decided. “I'm bringing a nurse, stay here.”

“You are not bringing a nurse! They will punish us, just...” He took a deep breath, trying to hold his anger back. “Hell, what the hell? Why did you hold them like that?!” He hissed.

She stuttered, lips shaking. “I... I didn't know that it would hurt.” Eren looked away.

It takes around an hour for him to go back inside, she stayed by his side all the time, despite the fact he didn't met her face, she didn't expect him to do so, either.

By the time they come in, everyone already knows—by Armin's mouth—that the intriguing story was a lie.

❀

Despite rarely ever dreaming, that night his mind had many things to say.

The only thing he remembers from the first time he woke up was the broken nightmare. There was the irritating sound of rain on the rooftops repeating for so long that his ears ached— and yet, attentively in the background he could find Isabel's muffled cries.

He was in a black room and the room was flooding, he had someone unconscious by his side that he did not recognize, with open wounds from which pus came out and a stench too realistic for a dream, he was a soldier, those who made short appearances several times in Levi’s head when he committed the mistake of getting distracted.

Kenny was also there, turning on and off the only light of the place, muttering nonsense, and through the window, outside the small room he could see a pale door and a black wall with the sticky smell of a woman's perfume, that mixed with the stink almost made him want to vomit. On the sidewalk a shattered corpse was peeking out to receive him.

He woke up remembering only half of it though.

These weren't new things, the storms, Isabel, Kenny and the brothel, so far behind him and yet so close, with the habit of appearing from time to time and grabbing him unprotected, Levi also got used to wait for them, soon he learned how to subtract it importance.

_Take advantage of every minute._ The talk that Erwin gave him that day comes back to his mind, and to calm down, Levi focuses on that, he reminds himself that he has to focus and that there is no place for mistakes, he must be brave, _humanity needs your strength,_ he reminded himself, whether he believes in it or not.

With the memory of Erwin's voice still in his mind, he goes back to sleep.

And that was his biggest mistake.

“Levi,” The way his name sounds on his lips makes his chest ache, it also causes him not to notice how strange the office looks, the things that are missing. “Can I ask you something?”

He had the perfect blond hair as messy and asymmetrical as Levi likes it—Not like he would accept it out loud—there was also a shadow of dark facial hair on the perfect chin, he was missing the straps and the jacket, but also, for some reason he looked taller than ever, even taller than Mike, and definitely, much taller than Levi.

The air left his lungs at the sight of how weird the man's look made him feel, so he just made a strange sound by affirmation, and suddenly, Erwin was taking him by the shoulders, roughly moving him—and Levi felt so frail and thin— to an encounter with his mouth, his beard lightly caressing Levi's chin as he made a happy noise in response that sounded strangely similar to a moan.

When they break the kiss, the commander looks at him with curious eyes and his characteristic grim smile on his lips, there is adoration on his face and at the same time something quite similar to hunger.

“Erwi—”

He wants to ask what is going on, but before he can do it, Erwin is kissing him again, this time Levi meets him midway.

Levi didn't want it to stop, Erwin's big hands holding him up, his tongue looking for him as a predator hunts his prey, the insistence of the shameless and wet sounds that Levi never thought his—and his own—mouth could make. He begins to feel a strange pressure building up throughout his chest and lengthening until it stops at his crotch.

Erwin seemed to feel it too because his hand slid there, with a soft squeeze Levi forced himself to break the kiss, choking back a moan while biting his lips.

“What's wrong, princess?” Erwin asked, the lust in his gaze still there.

_Princess?_ Levi could not put it into words, he was not stupid, he had grown up in the underground as he was born in a brothel, it was such a common topic, it always seemed to fall everywhere.

“I've never...”

Furlan offered it once, when they were just eleven, both had been too young and too curious, but Levi couldn't afford it, he had seen that corpse: His mother's body, so cold, like nothing Levi had ever touched before, he had been a witness of things that no child should've been, he had seen, heard, learned and then _repudiated everything._

Kenny threatened him several times with making him "a man" Levi always knew that the threat was empty, the two of them had seen her the day they met, it was too much for him, so much disgust, so much pain, the thousands of flies pooled inside his mother's mouth.

He couldn't do it.

“Never?” The man interrupted his thoughts, something on his face too strange, he caressed a strand of the shorter man's messy bangs and accommodated it behind his ear.

Levi began to feel dizzy.

“Never.”

The blond man seemed to think about it for a minute, and then, without further notice, he was naked. Levi had not seen him take anything off, not even his shirt, it was something that just happened, he quickly closed his eyes, _no, this was not happening._

He forced himself not to open them, not to think about Erwin's skin that suddenly has him cornered against the bed —the bed?—about the line of dark hair, just like his beard, right under his abdomen that ended at some point Levi refused to meet, he felt himself becoming confused and harder.

“But I can change that...” He whispered. And before Levi could surrender to everything and open his eyes...

“Captain Levi!”

Moblit's muffled voice brought him back to reality like a cold-water blow.

He found himself in his room, alone, the white sheets, to which he was clinging, were rolled up and drenched in sweat, with the litter wood full of dust receiving him like an old friend, around him, the walls seemed to gather to judge him.

“What?” He questioned, trying to get up, the sudden—awful—realization of the stain on the mattress was enough to petrify him, and as if that weren't enough, the erection that was marked in his underwear made him almost cry. Thank god the door was still closed. “What is it?”

“Uhm, are you sick, captain? you don't sound alright.”

“I'm fine!” He screamed in a very high and slightly sharp tone, he cleared his throat and tried again. “Is there anything you want to tell me?”

“Uhm, Hange asked me to—Well, the commander asked Hange to deliver you the reminder that tonight you are invited to the banquet of Mitras in celebration of your new position, he told me you're the guest of honor and that you can't miss this.”

_The commander, Erwin, his beard brushing lightly against his face. The kiss. His naked skin. The image of the things he didn't manage to see_—that he didn't allow himself to see—. Wet dream. Still hard. He can't change that.

I'm such a pervert, he cursed himself.

“Okay,” He whispered to himself, it was all a dream. “I do remember, there was no need to send you.”

“Uhm,” The boy had such a stupid and ridiculous voice, Levi had mocked him in front of Hange once for that, and yet, Levi would've never imagined being so grateful to hear it, he wouldn't have forgiven himself if he had finished the dream, _the fucking level of unprofessionalism,_ the whole thing was ridiculous, but he wouldn't have tolerated the temptation of not seeing. “I actually believe that my task was to wake you up, several soldiers rejected the order before me.”

“Moblit?”

“Yes, Captain?”

“What time is it?”

“Pretty late sir, we were at lunchtime.”

“Lunch time.”

“But it's your day, sir.” _The stupid banquet in Mitras, of course._ ”Also, yesterday you accomplished too much in the withdrawal of the excursion, we wouldn't have done it without you.”

“Achievements, mission.” He repeated it as a mantra, awake, he thought of the titans, those with the yellow and rotten teeth, abnormal ones, full of blood and hair. Titans don't have cocks, Hange Zoe told him one day, he slowly felt his body restraining itself.

“The commander said you deserved to rest,” He added, making Levi almost curse out of anger. “That's why he didn't wake you up in time, but you have to get ready sir, your transport leaves soon, if you want to do it on time.”

“Alright.”

“Can I retire?”

“Yes.” He ordered, his voice trembling.

“Are you sure you aren't sick, captain?”

“Just,” _Yes, I am._ “Fuck off.”

He carefully watched Moblit's shadow disappear from under the door with quick steps.

When Levi was sure he was gone, he took a pillow, and after putting it in his mouth, he started screaming.

“_Princess?_ Fuck. What the fuck is wrong with me?”


	6. Fifth: You give more than all of them

She wondered, when did she become like them? The men pushing wagons full of food while blocking the entrance to the citizens and then filling their pockets with gold until nothing was ahead of them, all thanks to the need of others.

She wondered, when did she begin to feel the heat and comfort in war? to the point where feeling tired felt like being alive, and having been cut, lied and killed felt like coming home.

Maybe it was that day, when she thought she was going to die in the mouth of the titan that killed her mother and all she could do was feeling thankful for having been with Eren, so close together, _so close,_ breathing the same air, having lived the same life and fought the same battle so worthily, until they couldn't do it anymore.

“Thank you, for protecting me, for wrapping this scarf around my neck... Eren, thank you.” And she concluded the whole show approaching, hoping to receive a sweet kiss, the last thing she wanted to feel before the grip of the titan separated them and the teeth closing on her body choked a last scream.

In the end, of course, Eren didn't give up, he got up and without much thought, he shouted until his vocal cords broke and his eyes burned filled with tears. And in a minute, without explanation, all the titans raised, attacking, screaming, running with him.

Returning after that was a torture, Mikasa spent half of the trip unconscious, but woke up when they were just a couple of meters from the barracks. Captain Levi was waiting for them with several soldiers at his side trying to keep him back, the expression that always rested on the man's severe face was now restless.

When they took her down, everyone took their time, she supported her body between Sasha and Armin, there were discussions and shouts, they received most of the wounded outside, the first thing she asked for was to rest and that _Please, let Eren take me to my room. _

Hange had many questions for him, but he agreed, he carried her, with his wounds still healing in alone and torn clothes, together, they climbed stairs, just like that, with her head resting on his chest, feeling small. They didn't meet anyone on their way besides the captain, who had his arms folded against a door, his eyes we're lost on the floor and his face was white as paper.

They didn't exchange a word and he didn't yell at Eren when he saw him enter at the girl's barracks.

He let go of her, placing her gently on the bed.  
He stayed close to her, just like she did when he fought against Annie inside the walls, _how many times will this scene repeat itself? When does it stop?_

“Mr. Hannes... he is...” She whispered, her memory a blur.

“Yes.”

In a breath, he crouched on the floor and began to cry.

“Eren, no—”

“They could have killed more people, important people... A whole squad, Armin, the commander...” Eren shook his head. “_You._ All because I was weak.”

Mikasa stared at him. What was she going to do when the person who gave her everything didn't feel enough?

“But I'm not dead, you saved me... Again. Like you always do,” She smiled at him, tears threatening to spill as well. “You saved us all, without you, withdrawal wouldn't have been possible.”

“But we lost Rei-” He stopped, _maybe those weren't even their names._ “The colossal and armored titan. They are gone, and so is the commander's arm.” 

She sighed, thinking about the empty expression in the Captain's face. “And Hannes... Fucking traitors.” He continued, sadness turning into anger, for a second Eren's face didn't seem familiar at all, but that was stupid, because it was Eren, her savior. “They lied to me. They lied to us all.”

“Krista... Or well— Historia doesn't believe that Ymir lied to her.” She said. _What even stung that girl?_

“Ymir... She... I can't even understand why she did this to us? Why did she leave?” He tortured himself.

Mikasa placed a hand on his hair. “But you're safe.” She stroked it softly. “So, there will be time to solve it ...”

_We are alive, there's still time._

He shook his head, eyes still teary. “I should leave, you should get some rest.” He said while standing up. Mikasa grabbed his hand, perhaps it was pain that made her take courage. “Stay... Just one more second.” She asked quietly.

Eren stood still, after a moment, he took courage and gave her a smile. Those green eyes that she loved so much, shining again.

“Okay...” He sat down again, corresponding to her hand.

After a while she fell asleep.

_Just one more second._

How much she would have liked to return there, in the middle of the war, to hold his hand, to confront him by bringing the almost-kiss into conversation instead of just falling asleep.  
Taking back time before the headaches began, before he left her go.  
Before losing everything.

_Just one more second._

❀ 

“What do you want?” He asked. The question was serene, and yet, it didn't miss its threatening tone. Levi stared at him incredulously.

The discussion was born out of nowhere, the expedition had been a colossal disaster, with big casualties, the Titans regained territory, the scientific advances remained static and the fire in the veins of all the survivors burned with a thirst to fight in order to free all the impotence.

The captain and the commander were no exception.

It wasn’t a street fight, it wasn’t a childish dispute either, Erwin had left to his office, calm as always, willing to write the final report, and the captain had gone behind him, without encouragement nor energy.

Levi doesn't remember when they started to raise the tone, or when he started asking such strange questions. _Are you going to pretend it doesn’t matter as always?_ Or to give orders to the man who was clearly his superior. _Don't do what those men in the Capital want you to do. Do not retract, we can still claim territory through that same area._

Everything culminated when the passive-aggressive tone ended up becoming something directly aggressive. It wasn't a fight, not really, they were bickering, about anything really, but it was what Levi needed to hold on to the living. At least until that question came, _what do you want?_

“It's not about what I want...” He replied slowly.

“Of course, it's about that. For what other reason would you be here?” Erwin took his hand away from a folded paper that was now stained with ink.

“All I want is to know if this will delay our next mission... Nothing else.”

“No.” The blonde man shook his head. “What do you want, Levi?”

Although he kept his gaze steady without lowering it once, despite Erwin's piercing look, Levi's mind went as far as he wanted with the question.

“I don't understand—”

“What. Do. You. Want?” He repeated, now sounding as overwhelmed as Levi himself a couple of minutes ago. “In the corps, what do you want?”

He looked down from the angry face, thinking of the less stupid answer to that senseless question. What else would he want?

“I want to fight and eradicate the titans... You already know that, don't fuck with me.” He said, trying not to trigger his own annoyance at the ridiculous question and totally failing.

“No,” Erwin replied as if it were a fact that Levi did not understand what he wanted. “Whether that is true or not, it does nothing to answer the question, what are doing here, in my office, telling me what I should do?”

The raven's blood burned.

“Okay. Do you want to be alone as always?” He spat. “Fuck you! I won't try to help you again—”

“Are you here for me then?” He took the time to leave his desk, walking slowly towards Levi at a slow pace. “Are you here to make me feel better?”

It sounded bad, it sounded strange and something in it made the instinct of the smaller man jump, Levi told himself that that was his signal to leave, he began to take steps back, but he did not take his words with him, he still stood for what he said, he didn't even consider leaving the room, he just retreated a little.

“You...”

Against the light of the window, Levi realized that a strand of blond hair was not soaked in gel and pulled back like its usual nature. It gave Erwin a little wild appearance, but the heavy gaze did not take away the man's threatening composure.

Levi wrenched his hands. “You ...” The words finally returned to his head. “You've been acting strange.”

The menacing look of the opponent fell, as if the words of the smaller man had freed him from some kind of trance, he even returned his steps, leaning back on the desk and, as if he was embarrassed, he took his right hand to his face, squeezing the column of his nose with frustration.

After a couple of beats, Erwin finally spoke. “You're right...” He accepted, still hiding his face. “I am putting my anger against you, please excuse my behavior, I am not being professional, I am making you go through—”

“You asked me what I wanted.” Levi interrupted.

Curious blue eyes peeked between the long fingers. “Yes?”

“Ask me again.” He asked—or ordered.

Although at first, Erwin seemed surprised, he did not hesitate to agree to the wishes of the little gray eyes. “What do you want, Levi?”

Levi thought again about the question. Realizing that it was not about what he wanted from the legion, nor the commander façade, but from Erwin Smith himself.

“I want to help you...”

Erwin laughed. “I already know that.”

“No, I want...” Levi himself failed to understand what he wanted to say, even Erwin, the man who had learned to read him so easily was now staring at him strangely. Levi realized that he was going to need more than words to make sure he was being understood, so this time it was him the one who approached with little steps.

“I want to know what you want...” He began, Erwin's eyes widened, and although that made Levi feel like it was time to run away, he didn't, instead, he continued to approach, until he was just a couple of steps away from the large figure. “And I want you to have it, I want you to be selfish.”

At the mention of the word, the commander looked away from him, Levi clicked his tongue, a little embarrassed too, _this time there is no way to run._

“Selfish...” Erwin muttered.

“That's what I said.” Levi continued, leaning a hand on the desk where Erwin's hand was still resting, it felt like he was being hypnotized, he wasn't aware of what he was doing or saying, all he wanted was to get closer, to be close enough to his superior's body to feel his breath on his face, to feel his big hand swallow his, but that was not professional, and Levi had never felt this way before, so close. So frantic, with such a desperate need of being touched.

“Levi, I am not who you think I am.” He replied, just like a reprimand he would give to a new recruit, he moved his hand away—it used to lay just a few inches from touching the smallest—he also moved away from his place, away from Levi.

_Is he upset?_ Levi thought. _Was it too obvious? Was it too ridiculous?_

He swallowed hard, trying to get his voice to come out correctly. “What does that mean?”

“It means I'm not honorable,” With that, Levi turned at him violently. “I'm not a good man, Levi, maybe everything you think you admire from me is based on a lie.”

“What?” Levi swallowed again. “What kind of bullshit is that?”

“It's not.” Erwin began, he seemed to adapt his somber and serious gaze again, even if his voice said otherwise.

“It's not?”

“I am more selfish than you think.”

_Bullshit._

“What the fuck are you saying?” Exclaimed the raven, who was starting to feel irritated again. “You are the least selfish person—”

“And that's why you need a squad.” The commander replied sharply, now Levi could sense the same aggressive tone from the beginning being resumed. “You need to meet honorable people, selfless people, people who would put their lives aside to give humanity a place, even if they lose it on the road.”

Levi glances at him, waiting for another explanation, he's absolutely lost.

Erwin sighs angrily. “What did you expect, Levi? I can't lie to you...”

“Lying to me...”

“It was about time for me to stop before you thought this was me being a good person.”

“Good person...”

“Are you going to say something besides repeating me?”

Levi cleared his throat. “Sorry, it's just very funny...”

He knew that Erwin was not going to ask him the question he was prepared for, so he continued, torturing him with a smile drawn on his pale lips.

“You are so miserable for a commander...” He laughed again. “But you are what this place deserves... A depressed commander, an annoyingly selfless and aggressive commander... For these depressing, annoyingly modest and aggressive soldiers.”

“Levi.”

“Who do you think you're tricking with your stupid bullshit?” He inquired, without eliminating the unusual ironic smile, although every word that came out of his lips hurt and each one came out with more irrepressible force. “If you don't like me here, you just have to say it, you are who you are and you will continue to be one of the best people I've ever met, hell, you're probably the best one already, all my life I've only hanged out with fucking killers. I don't care if sending these soldiers towards death hurts you...”

“Levi...”

“You know what needs to be done, even if it's sending us to die, you do know. Because it's the right thing to do and I believe in that.” He continued, now screaming a little, ignoring the other man's hard stare. “I believe in what you do more than what I believe in myself sometimes... And you...”

“Levi—”

“I'm not done, damn it, shut up!” He shouted, the words burning in his throat. “For the first time in your life, shut up and listen to me!”

And Erwin did, _Did I push too far?_Levi thought, Maybe. Again, he couldn’t go back.

“It's a shame to know that at the end of the day I am dealing with a person as pessimistic and blameful as the rest, it is a shame... Because you are not like the rest, even if you die in the same way that they do, so easily, they chose you to lead them for something.” He continued, stammering, annoyed with himself, his face redder than ever, he got closer to Erwin, until he held him by the arms. “What do you need to see it too? Perhaps the day humanity escapes from these fucking...”

“I don't fight for humanity.”

Levi stopped.

“Don't be—”

“I've never done it, I never will.” Levi tried to look for a sign of amusement on his face, but he didn't find it. “I did not join this hell to fight for humanity, I didn't... I...”

Levi shook his head. _No. It couldn't be._ “You're fucking with me...”

This time Erwin laughed; his eyes held a different kind on range.

“When I was ten years old, they killed my father for believing in the idea of a world outside the walls, well— they killed him for me, it was too much for my infant mind, I had barely learned to count, the military police... he discovered it and they killed him...” The man began to speak very quickly, his breathing was short and the pain in his laugh hanged through the walls.

There was silence, Levi looked for words; “It wasn't you—”

“Don't tell me it wasn't my fault. Don't you get it?” He barked back. “I don't fight for humanity, I didn't join the Survey Corps so I could save the world, I did it to prove it, I'm looking for something, Levi. But it isn’t what you or the other soldiers are looking for, I don't want hope, I want justice. And if to have it what I have to do is kill all these soldiers, then so be it.”

Levi just stared at him, stunned.

“But don't do that, please... Don't give me your faith, don't make me a hero, like a stupid child who doesn't know what he is doing, don't treat me like I'm a better person than them... Don't waste your time filling something that can't be filled, not until I put my hands on the proof I'm looking for.” He finished. “I hope you forgive me; I did this to you, I lured you here based on something I wasn't even sure of.”

Levi expected himself to scream, yet the pair of small gray eyes just stared at the floor, trying to process all the information that seemed to be running everywhere, through the halls, echoing through the office, shaking Levi's heart until exhaustion, something strange seemed to ignite in his brain, it was inexplicable, like a sudden blow inside of him.

He unconsciously realized that the instinct to comfort his angry superior was running through his body, _now that was weird._

The uneasiness echoed from his insides until he found his own mouth opening again, a new sensation shaking every part of the small figure.

“Thank you,” he muttered, not stopping to think about his words. “You've given me what I wanted.”

In front of him, Erwin sighed, lost for words. Levi felt bonded.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> how many times will I change the summary to this fic? idk


	7. Sixth: but I can't have you

“A clan that lost itself, to serve someone else.” He doesn't stop, not even when her eyes fill up with tears. “In another words, slaves.”

He scowls at her as she cries, watching her tremble, with the scar in her face still fading and the tired look full of dark circles, she was tired, so tired, with something breaking for every word that came from his lips.

“Do you know what I hate the most in this world?” Every word seems to come out with a sick sense of humor without much effort. “Any human being that isn't free, that, or cattle.”

She was watching as everything she loved collapsed before her, everything she had built, shattered by the weight of reality. That day, with the knife in her hand, conscience weighed more than the dagger. She doesn't remember any of that and that only makes him have a point, she agreed to go after Eren, without thinking about her beautiful garden moving further away in the distance along all the memories of her family, she agreed to go with him, believing she was going to find a home.

“Just looking at them made me so angry,” He narrows his eyes full of disgust, drumming his fingers across the large table. “Now I finally understand why...”

It was never about the place; she always knew that she didn't care where she was going as long as he was by her side. Even when she was so tired of walking aimlessly, like when she joined the Survey Corps, without stopping for a minute to think if it was what she really wanted. Not even when she joined the battles, she wouldn't know how to count them, they had been so many, and even with death collecting his profit on each one, in the end, she wasn't focused on anything nor anyone but him and his safety.

“I couldn't stand to look at an undoubting slave who only followed orders.” He spits. “Ever since I was a kid.”

_Let's go home._ Eren had told her that day, but maybe that place didn't exist at all, that little ugly shack, with her knitting tools all over the place and the creepy dolls she would make, how many times she fixed that red scarf from the falling threads, little by little, how many times she didn't sigh when she saw the color fading, she didn't care about the house, she cared about Eren and his family, but Grisha had had thousands of secrets and thousands of people had died because of them and Carla had been dead for such a long time, so long since Mikasa had been condemned to take on the role of mother as well. It was Eren, and she always knew it, the place was with Eren.

“Mikasa,” He says it softly, in the same kind way he always did. “I've always hated you.”

Mikasa sees her home break for the third time, the howling of a rusty door echoing at the back, laughing at her.

❀

“Perhaps my only mission in this world was to bring back the devil.”

_But he's not the devil,_ Levi thought, _he's just a man._.

“Captain Levi, I beg you.” Eren cried, squirming on the floor for all the helplessness and anger.

When was it going to be enough? He had given everything he had, he had done everything he could to help him, he had spent strength and sleepless nights, he had begged, that day in his office, he had practically begged him to stay, and still, Levi lost him.

“Captain, please.” The boy pleaded, behind of them Mikasa sobbed loudly. Levi didn't listen.

They should've stayed there, one more minute, on that day of torrential rain, that day that Levi had been so angry, right now all he wants is to return. He wanted to hold him back against his blade, shout at him many things that were not true. They should've stayed there for a thousand of years.

“Only the devil can help us win...”

And yet, he was no devil, he was a man of flesh and blood, for the bones that still bound him together and for the flesh he didn't lose in the bite that stole his arm and in his torture.

“Levi, please...”

And he had a big heart, a very big and kind heart, he had left everyone use it, convinced that he used everyone's, he had given everything and still, it wasn't enough, it wasn't enough for them to see him as what he was, a man.

“Captain...” Mikasa sobbed.

He was never going to be a man, he either was a demon or a dream, a hope. It was always going to be that way, Levi couldn't own him, because he was always going to slide through his fingers like ash.

From the moment he met him he was sure Erwin was meant to fly away until he collapsed against the sun, the thing that changed was how Levi slowly realized that he was going to stay by his side, as long as he allowed it, although he'll be unable to save him, only there to watch.

When Armin transforms and begins to swallow Berthold's body, Levi holds the blond hair between his fingers, and there, where the skin on his chest is cold, he rests his head, the smell of dust and blood covering them both, even when they separate and Levi walks down the basement's stairs. A part of him stays there, curled up against the non-existent heat, forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this fic was awful lmao but it helped me cope with lots of anxietyyy, thx for reading, stream psycho by red velvet.

**Author's Note:**

> I've wanted to write something about them for a while, since Isayama kind of forgot Levi exists and Mikasa is somewhere over there crying. 
> 
> Idk the material there is for these two as a familyslashparalels is pretty limited so I kind of said fuck it i'll do it myself, anyway leave kudos, stan Twice.


End file.
